New theory: Lindsay Lohan is not an alcoholic, but a misunderstood klutz with a penchant for unstable footwear. A supposedly sober Lindsay put the "dive" in Lower East Side's Motor City Bar last night. New York, meet your newest resident. [Images via Getty]

Judge Judy is hospitalized after a bizarre on-camera ramble. Vanilla Ice becomes a mime. Lindsay Lohan looks for an apartment in New York. Thursday gossip is in recovery.

From her concerts! Enrique Iglesias pulled out prematurely from Britney Spears' concerts. Lindsay Lohan evades a criminal charge. Denise Richards needs extra protection from Charlie Sheen. Wednesday gossip can't handle the truth.

Charlie Sheen's dog keels over from malnutrition and neglect. Lady Gaga gets diamonds and a sex doll for her birthday. Kanye's new girlfriend is Pharrell's niece. Beyonce fires her dad. Tuesday gossip has a body count.

Katy Perry's mom writes a memoir about her daughter's dirty pillows. Chris Brown's neighbors hate him. Matt Damon on the transitive property of kissing. Prince William cuts water sports from his bachelor party. Monday gossip is damned.

• Royal wedding news! The official cake for Kate and William's wedding has been revealed, and it is… "a multi-tiered, traditional fruitcake"? As we speak, the cake is "maturing," because you apparently don't bake a fruitcake as much as ferment it. There will be a bunch of "3-D scrollwork, flowers, leaves and other decorative touches," on it, but, ew, England. It's bad enough at Christmas, but the Most Important Wedding of All Time is going to have a fruitcake? Look at the official royal baker, Fiona Cairns, mixing the cake above. GROSS. Oh, but don't worry there's also going to be a "chocolate-cookie cake". A chocolate cookie cake? Is this a spectacular royal wedding or an insurance office goodbye party? The main course at dinner will be canned beans slopped on paper plates with a ladle. [People]

• Michael Lohan is "hurt' by the fact that Lindsay Lohan wants to drop her last name, Madonna-style: "I'm proud of the Lohan name. It's a name of integrity," he told the Daily News. "We all had very successful jobs on Wall Street. My father was an unbelievable provider. My sisters are pillars of the community. There's not a blemish in my family outside of me." So maybe Lindsay should change her name to Lindsay "Not-Michael-Lohan". NYDN]

Lindsay Lohan drops her last name while the other Lohans change theirs. Chris Brown's publicist leaves him. In Touch documents Jennifer Aniston's "worst date ever." It's time for TGIFriday gossip.

Manna from tabloid heaven: Lindsay Lohan is going to trial!

A gleeful Chris Brown galavants around town after breaking Good Morning America's window. 50 Cent gives Chelsea Handler a backhanded compliment. Hugh Hefner's fiancee may already be cheating. Wednesday gossip shakes its haters off.

Chris Brown explains the emergence of a naked self-portrait: "Girls be reckless." Lindsay Lohan goes clubbing in New York. For the price of 15 minutes with a high-end hooker, you can now meet Charlie Sheen. TGIFriday gossip.

Joe Jonas' relationship is a charade. Suri Cruise plays with penis candies. Jodie Foster is desperately in love with Mel Gibson. Thursday gossip is living a lie.

Courtney Love offers to "take a metal straw" to Kurt Cobain's remains. Charlie Sheen enters the t-shirt business. Gilbert Gottfried regrets his tsunami jokes. Joe Jonas swears he's not gay. Wednesday gossip communes with the beyond.

It's been quite some time since we checked in with Dustin and Jayden, Manhattan's most obnoxious homosexuals. We bumped into them last night at a bar in Hells Kitchen and they were talking about Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, and the tsunami. Here's what they had to say.

A pregnant ex-girlfriend materializes and turns Ryan Phillippe's life into a soap opera. A mystery starlet's cocaine video will make Miley Cyrus' bong "look like a Disney movie." A group of teen girls break into Justin Bieber's hotel room. Tuesday gossip has arrived.

Lindsay Lohan hyperventilates and calls the paparazzi "animals." Someone is selling a sex tape of Usher. Charlie Sheen misses his son's birthday party. Britney Spears reunites with K-Fed at her son's baseball game. Monday gossip sucks and blows.

Concerned her beachside pad might get hit by a tsunami, Lindsay Lohan has evacuated herself and temporarily moved inland to the Peninsula Hotel. What is she in Twilight now? And doesn't she have bigger concerns at the moment?

Charlie Sheen has a nice meal while the LAPD searches his house for firearms. Ashlee Simpson rebounds with her husband's friend. Monica Lewinsky is "still in love" with Bill. TGIFriday gossip.

Lindsay Lohan arrived in court today 35 minutes late and in a tight tan mini-dress. (Is that leather?) At the hearing, she rejected a plea deal for the felony grand theft of a $2500 necklace. This means Lindsay is headed to trial! A whole trial's worth of LiLo court outfits! Think of the possibilities. (If you're thinking about going into the paparazzi business, now is a good time.) First, however, the court will convene on April 22 for a preliminary hearing where the prosecution will present evidence.

Miley Cyrus snaps at a paparazzo. Christina Aguilera returns to the scene of her public intoxication. Lindsay Lohan prepares for her big day in court. Brangelina's children "turn violent." Thursday gossip wonders what Lindsay Lohan will wear to court today.