Friday:
• New York expats and current "Sixth Borough" residents Enon make the seventy-five minute trek back to New York to play Mercury Lounge tonight. Hope it's worth it just for the "cheaper" rent. [flavorpill]
• Sufjan Stevens brings his pretty little self to Bowery Ballroom tonight to play some of his pretty little music. [Upcoming]
Saturday:
• Six years ago, says Flavorpill, Minnesota's Hocky Night were rap-punk. Now they sound like Pavement. Check out the transformation yourself tonight at Mercury Lounge, where they play with the Jim Yoshii Pile-Up and Hopewell. [flavorpill]
• Sometimes, the exact words of a press release are more effective than our editorializing. This is one of those times: "In a world full of apathy and low expectations, two northeast artists — MCA and Magmo — descend upon New York through billowy clouds of fire to tear the city apart. ...There will be enough granite to crush the skulls of 20 men, an army of trash-filled dolls, ear-bleeding noise beats, and rays upon rays of eye-dazzling projections." There's only one plausible explanation for this: the rouge batch of fucked-up heroin has reached a far-wider audience than previously believed. 7:00pm, Orchard Street Art Gallery (139 Orchard Street).
Sunday:
• We just like the picture. [Upcoming]

• Nicole Richie and her fiancée DJ AM acted rather chilly towards one another at his club, especially after AM pushed Richie away from him. Like our mother always said: It's not good to fight on an empty stomach. [R&M (3rd item)]
• After getting hit on the head by a falling pole, Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria is back to work. She didn't even take six weeks off! What a trouper. These starlets are just soooo inspirational. [Page Six]
• Designer Marc Ecko vows to file a federal lawsuit against Mayor Bloomberg for denying him his right to throw a graffiti block party. In a city where we can't even dance and smoke in the same rooms where we get hammered, was Ecko really surprised? [NYDN]
• Now that the Plaza hotel is being raped and pillaged into condos, real estate-watchers are speculating that a 600-square-foot studio could go for around $1.4 million. It's a fair price to live a safe distance from vegan murderers looking for smack. [Page Six]
• Remember Mario Vasquez, the American Idol hopeful who bolted the show for no good reason? Smart move, as he's just signed a hefty record deal with Clive Davis. Corey Clark is so jealous. [Fox411]

• Ah, booze on a cruise: as time-honored a summer tradition as hotdogs at a baseball game and fabricating news stories in the absence of real news. Throw Brooklyn-based afrobeat crew Antibalas into the mix, and you got yourselves a party. [flavorpill]
• Sex with Jake Gyllenhaal? Do we even have to ask? Unfortunately, you probably won't get the real deal at this New York International Fringe Festival performance (not for $15 at least), but one can always hope. [Paper]
• The Death Cab for Cutie/Decemberists double-billing at Summerstage tonight is sold out, but we have little doubt in your ability to beat up any one of the numerous Seth Cohen lookalikes in your vicinity and steal his tickets. [Summerstage]

Sightings are sent in by readers; send yours to tips@gawker.com.

So we sat down to write about our beloved Chinatown bus, one of which apparently burst into flames on Tuesday (no incoming visitors from D.C. or Boston were hurt). Just as we were about to predictably note that one gets what they pay for, we took a look at what we've been covering the past few days: heroin, stabbings, deadly personal trainers, and now, flammable mass transit. What the hell is going on?

The Daily News crashed yesterday's funeral for 18-year-old NYU student Maria Pesantez, who died Friday after presumably injecting a lethal dose of heroin and cocaine. Pesantez's death is one of a recent slew of heroin-related overdoses downtown, and her family is understandably searching for answers:

• American Psycho scribe Bret Easton Ellis (AKA Bellis) takes some time to regroup after almost slitting his wrists on the Today show this morning before heading over to the Barnes and Noble on E. 17th street, where he reads from his new book, Lunar Park. Which is about him, but not really. The meta-ness of it all is so very confusing. [Paper]
• Check out Group Sounds at Pianos tonight—a band Flavorpill says is poised to become "Ludlow's very own Kaiser Chiefs." Your level of excitment regarding this claim depends on what you actually think of the Kaiser Chiefs. [flavorpill]
• The pleasantly thrifty folks at Urb magazine present "B-Sides Session" at Joe's Pub tonight, featuring Pigeon John and APSCI from Quanuum, Cool Calm Pete from Def Jux, and Dub Trio. Best to wear your cool shoes. [Upcoming]

We'd normally be the last place on earth to deliver an anti-drug message, but after no less than six people have overdosed on heroin in the past week, we feel slightly compelled to ask that you put down the needle. Especially if your hookup is below 14th:

• Hubbard Street Dance Chicago, says Flavorpill, is a company that has "built its reputation by presenting diverse works from leading choreographers around the world, featuring a wide variety of dance styles with impressive results." Drunk noodle dancing this ain't. At the Joyce Theater, 8:00pm. [flavorpill]
• Seth "Mnooks" Mnookin appears at Makor tonight for a talk titled, "Hard News: New Threats to Journalism." For the last fucking time: It's not blogs. [92Y] [UPDATE: Actually, this was at noon today. Whoops.]
• Mark Mothersbaugh, co-founder of DEVO and scorer of Rushmore, shows off his artistic side at Fuse Gallery, where a collection of his screen prints and ink illustrations is on display. Pointy hats and jumpsuits optional. [Paper]

The Donnell Library Center on West 53rd Street (which offers sweet, sweet free WiFi), just moments ago:

It's that time of the year, apparently, when random companies conduct polls to gauge American opinion on a variety of inconsequential matters. The latest asks our countrymen where they'd most like to live:

• This might be the best waste of time we've seen in the past 10 minutes: Behind the scenes of The Apprentice, as depicted by a chronic misspeller with a doll fetish. [Debbie C.B.'s NYC]
• So Vikram Chatwal's Dream Hotel isn't exactly somewhere you'd want to stay. But maybe his next venture, the Night Hotel, won't smell like sour milk. [HotelChatter]
• We're not sure what to think of the fellow who described the chaos of 9/11 as "kind of like a discotheque." [NYT]
• Congrats to our little Oddjack for securing AJ Benza on staff and bringing things to a whole new level of offense. [Oddjack]
• Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham has never read a book in her entire life. We're not surprised to learn this, although we are surprised her publicist let her utter such a thing. [omg!!!]

• Director David Gordon Green appears at the IFC Center to discuss and introduce two of his favorite films — Michael Cimino's Thunderbolt and Lightfoot, starring Clint Eastwood, and Sydney Pollack's Jeremiah Johnson, starring Robert Redford. Cheapskate bonus: the $10.75 admission price is good for both flicks. [flavorpill]
• Relationship troubles? Head over to Bryant Park for a screening of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf and you'll likely feel a lot better about your situation. 5:00pm. [Upcoming]
• Seth Morris, Brian Huskey, and The Daily Show's Rob Corddry perform as "Naked Babies" at the UCB Theatre. Mr. Morris soon moves to L.A. to become the artistic director of the new UCB Theatre there, so see him here while you can. [TONY]

Sightings are sent in by readers; send yours to tips@gawker.com.

Oh it's a good day to be alive and young and in living in New York City. The heat broke, it's temporarily not raining, and the terror-alert level for the area's mass-transit systems has been dropped from orange to yellow. Or maybe from yellow to orange. Whichever's better.

According to yesterday's Times, Philadelphia is the new Williamsburg. And, commute-wise, 2 hours is the new 20 minutes.

• MTV conspires with Nokia to makes Times Square even more crowded, tourist-friendly, and generally hideous. Swell. [Open All Night]
• Speaking of Times Square: See the debacle that was the "World's Greatest Guitar Smash," celebrating the Hard Rock Caf 's move that famed, benighted intersection. [Cityrag via Curbed]
• Gay Jewish rappers and your great-grandparents' favorite socialist newspaper, which loves them. [Proceed at Your Own Risk]
• And yet Washington State still won't let that dude keep his "F Dubya" license plate. [ToTC]
• Even online, Jews are still crafty and scheming. At least so say the anti-Semites at blottered. [Blottered]

Friday:
• Werner Herzog's documentary Grizzly Man follows eco-activist Timothy Treadwell as he lived (and, tragically, died) with Alaskan grizzly bears. Shit like this is precisely why we avoid the great outdoors at all costs. [flavorpill]
• What if Willem Dafoe changed his name to William? What if we stopped smoking enough pot to make us wonder such things? Members of Big Flux answer this very question in their latest sketch comedy show. [Upcoming]
Saturday:
• UK grime scenester Kano and Philly/NYC ghetto-crunk scenester Diplo join forces at Knitting Factory tonight. Should be quite the scenester-y show. [flavorpill]
• Method Man, beloved Wu-Tang member and Right Guard deodorant hawker, performs at BB King's tonight with fellow Clansman Street Life. [BB King]
Sunday:
• The lovely people at Solid PR throw a benefit on behalf of the National Multiple Sclerosis Society, featuring music from Oxford Collapse and The Pages. While we can only recommend you go here and not Splash Bar's heinous-sounding "Panty Revolution" party, we trust we've trained you well enough to make the right choice. [Paper]

• 1970s film noir classic Chinatown screens at the Empire-Fulton Ferry State Park. You've likely already seen it, but go for the memories of a time when Jack Nicholson didn't churn out crap and when Roman Polanski wasn't a pedophile. [flavorpill]
• Drug user? Drug test coming up? Recently arrested for possesion of drugs? Anticipate being arrested for possesion of drugs? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, and you know did, head on over to Galapagos in Williamsburg tonight for the launch party of BUSTED! Drug War Survival Skills. [Galapagos]
• If on the off-chance you enjoy paying for your right to shop, head over to Webster Hall tonight for The Closet, which is billed as a "shopping party event" with 5 international female DJs, a bar, and the best indie designers in New York City. 15 bucks gets you access to this version of gay heaven. [Upcoming]

Sightings are sent in by dehydrated readers; send yours to tips@gawker.com.