Sure, now everyone's "hot" (in the words of THR) to distribute Fahrenheit 9/11. Lions Gate and IFC are "hot" to get F911 into theaters on June 25th, and Showtime is "dripping wet" for the pay-TV rights. Harvey and Bob Weinstein, through their extra-Miramax entity Fellowship Adventure Group (which our demented pal at Gawker helpfully noted abbreviates to F.A.G., a transparent sup to the Gay Mafia) are "hard as a rock" to rake in the cash. Whither documentarian troublemaker Michael Moore? He's "drilling a hole in his Palm d'Or and fucking the fronds off."

The Miramax boys, Bob and Harvey Weinstein, had to put together a coalition to distribute the new Michael Moore film after their Disney bosses allegedly cock-blocked the deal. It was really a no-brainer, given that Moore's film just took top honors at Cannes. This new outfit's name? The Fellowship Adventure Group.

Halle Berry admits to Teen Hollywood that the protein shakes she chugged to stay fit for Catwoman gave her a killer case of the um, how do we put this delicately? The farts. Some say that after you win an Oscar, your shit no longer stinks. Obviously, those morons have never sat through an ill-advised superhero movie. Berry's catsuit-rattling bumquakes are the best-smelling thing about the Catwoman buzz.

Warner Bros. is using SWAT tactics to prevent piracy of the new Harry Potter film, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. The studio is deploying night vision goggles to British theaters so that Harry doesn't wind up on street vendors' tables or in the file-sharing network. Vue Cinemas pledged that their begoggled ushers will spend the film's entire two hours and 22 minutes hunting pirates. (Maybe they'll snag a few of those who would try to "enjoy" Hermione's coming of age too publicly—aren't they just pirates of innocence?)

NewYorkish thinks NY moviegoers "run the risk of developing symptoms of PTSD by watching the city get thoroughly destroyed." But he fails to mention the dangers of getting lost in Jake Gyllenhaal's dreamy eyes, falling into an open manhole, and suffering a grisly demise in sewage. Either way, he suggests you avoid it.

The Arclight had a midnight showing of Roland Emmerich's Salute To Jake Gyllenhaal's Dreamy Eyes, which usually indicates that they're expecting a large, movie-hungry mob. What did they get? A small group of Republican protesters pissed that the Dems think TDAT is a nifty treatise on global warming. Hilarious politics + fluffy supposed-event movie = buzz minus.

The Photoshopping geniuses at Worth1000 give us "Movies scenes you didn't get to see." Click on the link and scroll down a bit..doesn't it look like Brad Pitt is wearing a silver-plated condom on the Troy battlefield? Wonder why he'd need that...

The NYDN's Rush & Molloy report that George Clooney is getting his obscenely rich Hollywood buddies to kick in for his dad's run for Congress in Kentucky. Contributors seemingly very interested in Nick Clooney's Kentucky-fried politics include Kevin Spacey, Danny DeVito, Kevin Costner, Paul Newman, Adrien Brody, Renee Zellweger, Michael Douglas, and Matt LeBlanc.

MTV and Super Size Me distributor IDP are fighting over MTV's alleged refusal to air a commercial for the documentary, in which director Morgan Spurlock eats nothing but McDonald's for 30 days, three meals a day. IDP claims MTV doesn't want to piss off it's big-money, fast food advertisers. MTV says they merely suggested an edit. (They were probably unhappy that Spurlock is vomiting in the ad.) Which side's publicists do you want to believe? The ones drumming up interest in their somewhat controversial movie, or the ones covering MTV's corporate, ad-revenue lovin' asses?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban director Alfonso Cuaron would love to have the same cast for the remaining Potter movies. Good luck with that, Alfonso. The kids have this annoying habit of going through puberty; even when stage moms lock their kids up like veal to keep them cuddly for as long as possible, they still manage to chew through the ropes and wind up tying off Corey Haim. Or they mature overnight just like Hermione on a recent Saturday Night Live sketch (played by who else but "blossomed" former child actor Lindsay Lohan), and the future Potter flicks get a little more R-rated.

Blogger Occupation: Girl takes the overlong epic Troy and boils it down to just fifteen sweet minutes. The best part? Achilles has most of his dialogue cut.

Professional hater David Cross takes down almost the entire summer movie slate in an E! Online interview. Funny, we thought that despite his initial resistance, he was totally going to fall in love with Garfield! How can he savage a lasagna-eating cat who hates Mondays, which will almost certainly be a better talking feline movie than Catwoman? (Though admittedly one with slightly less masturbatory potential.) Does he like anything?

Wow, it's as if our very mention of "Crest Whitestrips" has conjured this out of thin air: the official Crest Whitestrips Style Award nominees have been announced. When we noted the epic press release over a month ago, our inner pessimist never dared to dream that this ambitious vision might one day be realized, or that Sharon Stone would actually go through with her hosting responsibilities.

According to the LAT's Steve Lopez, erstwhile "Most Powerful Man in Hollywood" Michael Ovitz is already inciting his future Benedict Canyon neighbors to riot. The construction of his understated 28,059-square-foot mansion has the facelifts of the neighborhood's multimillionaires vibrating with rage. 77 trees will have to be uprooted and the trucks removing 15,000 cubic yards of dirt might slow the BMW and Lexus traffic on the Canyon's winding roads to a crawl.

Jake Gyllenhaal is traipsing about the City, doing PR for his disaster pic, "The Day After Tomorrow." (Late Sunday night, our people spotted him chatting with Kirsten Dunst on a stoop on Waverly Street.)

Months before the recent NBC-Universal merger, the two parties put a synergistic series called Transylvania into development for NBC, set in the world of Universal's Van Helsing. Both sides now claim that Transylvania was shelved well before Van Helsing opened to horrible reviews and disappointing box office, but you can bet that if Van Helsing justified its enormous budget with a strong opening, Transylvania would have been rushed into production.

A report from the Vancouver set of Edison, in which Justin Timberlake will make his "serious" acting debut, confirms what's been keeping us up for weeks, softly sobbing to "Cry Me A River" as we toss and turn in a cold sweat: Justin can't act a lick, despite what the PR flacks want you to believe. Says our spy, "The boy can sing, but damn, he sure can't act. Everyone has been making fun of him. He needs to stick to what made him famous." Good idea. But without a time machine or some very suspect surgery, how do we get him to devirginize Britney Spears again?

Today in The Morning News, Kevin Fanning turns on his billionaire chipmunk thought translator and gets inside the Olsen Twins' heads. He extracts Mary-Kate and Ashley's post-bomb plans: Time for college!

It should surprise no one that Michael Moore's controversial anti-Bush documentary Fahrenheit 9/11 was awarded the Palm d'Or at the Cannes Film Festival, the event's top prize. After all, "The Documentary That Michael Eisner Doesn't Want You To See" received the longest ovation in the history of people sufficiently evolved to stand erect and bang their extremities together. "You will ensure that the American people will see this movie," Moore said, thanking the jury for recognizing the film.. Yes, props to the jury for ensuring that at the Oscars, Moore will either claim responsibility for John Kerry's election or take a dump on the podium to thank America for four more years of Bush.

Earlier, we didn't mean to suggest that veteran character actor Christopher McDonald actually is an asshole. Actually, he seems like our kind of guy. But we do agree with Cintra Wilson that McDonald is truly gifted at the on-screen portrayal of assholes; he's the Gielgud of silver-screen tools. A reader sends us a touching, real-life McDonald non-asshole experience: