Yesterday was former NYT film critic Elvis Mitchell's last class at Harvard. He didn't bring cupcakes for the class — he brought Bill Murray. Writes a student:

I understand some of you are struggling with your applications for the New York Times movie critic job. Tell you what: we're happy to review, proofread, and offer suggestions for any essay samples you're planning to include when applying for the position. Please send yo' stuff to tips@gawker.com and the best will be featured here tomorrow. Kinda like a day-long running of all the Planet of the Apes movies at the Screening Room — but with more profanity, I hope.

Wanna watch a lot of movies for free? Do you have a few basic English skills? Are you prepared to face NYT style-guide insanity such as "the word 'launch' may only be used for rockets and missiles, not the introduction of magazines or books to the marketplace"? Are you not prone to stomping off the job like a big cranky baby when you don't get what you want? Enquire within!

And here's the memo: wave goodbye to 43rd Street, Elvis Mitchell.

According to a party-goer, uber-director-rep Bumble Ward is claiming credit for hooking up Sofia Coppola and Quentin Tarantino. Wow, I've got to get one of these publicists. Not only do they pimp your work, they get you laid. Our spy says:

We're halfway there, people. The Times just announced A. O. Scott as the paper's chief film critic. The memo — replete with unlikely baseball metaphors — reproduced after the jump. Mmm, I can almost taste the forthcoming "Elvis Mitchell has left the building" memo now...

Oh no, no. This can't be. There's more on Quentin and Sofia. Another report:

A spy reports this celluloid symbol of the apocalypse:

Because he's our favorite obsession of the last five minutes, and because we only get MORE obsessed if no one will comment about it, it's NYT film critic Elvis Mitchell time!

At approximately 5:50 p.m., NYT film critic Elvis Mitchell was seen quietly exiting through the stuffy old Times lobby, looking glum. Was this his last appearance at the Gray Lady?

After we reported it on Wednesday, the rumor that film critic Elvis Mitchell is leaving the NY Times is already on its way to confirmation. Today, Variety steps up the rumor-mongering, confirming along the way that A. O. Scott will be named chief movie critic. Variety claims that Mitchell has "irked" people at the paper, with his gallivanting about society with film directors and spending the last semester up at Harvard.
[UPDATE: We hear Elvis actually has been asked to leave the building — we hear his cubbyhole is all packed up and cleaned out.]
Elvis to leave building [Variety]

Apocrypha or truth? Who knows! An unjaded reader reports:

Shaolin Soccer: Goofy trash. "Imagine, if you will, a soccer team comprising of Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, Sammo Hung, Sonny Chiba and Jet Li. Now imagine their games were broadcast by The Wachowski Brothers. If you wouldn't pay $8 to watch that team play, there's no helping you." [Hollywood Bitchslap]
The Middle of the World: If you want to spend 85 minutes watching poor people bicycle nobly across Brazil, knock yourself out.
Hellboy: '"Hellboy' is rated PG-13 (Parents strongly cautioned) for violence, alcohol consumption, hordes of disturbing, soul-sucking creatures and, arguably, its title character's name." — Elvis Mitchell [NYT ]

It's our first movie opening weekend after the resignation of Jack Valenti, head of the Motion Picture Association of America and inventor of the movie ratings system, so I thought we should institute a Friday Film Roundup to honor his stupid meat-headed memory.

Kevin Smith, the director of Clerks, is ready to have the worst opening weekend ever for his new Affleck vehicle, Jersey Girl. In a letter to fans, he says, "The NY Times is gonna shred the flick. LA Times too, I'll bet. EW probably ain't gonna be onboard."

The Onion prints an oh-so-nutty, look-at-the-nasty-homeless-guy picture this week. Do they have any idea it's a picture of The Radioman, the famous NYC homeless guy who visits every film set in the city? (How many other homeless people get snapped snuggling up to Harvey Weinstein?)
Raving Lunatic Obviously Took Some Advanced Physics [The Onion]
Radioman with George Clooney and Harvey Weinstein [Clooney Files]
Radioman's IMDB page [IMDB]

Todd Levin translates the New York Underground Film Festival program. Let the viewer beware:

It's so hard to tell the movies apart these days. Bunsen takes you through the confusing plot similarities between Mel Gibson's Jesus pic and the new oh-so-ironic Starsky & Hutch rehash:

Apparently, someone is selling actor/director/singer/artist/freakball Vincent Gallo's super-psycho-organized camera and lens and gizmo film production setup. The current bid is over $86,000, and the reserve still hasn't been met yet. There's no word on who is selling this or why, but check out this part of the selling blurb: "Gallo put more effort into this production package than the whiny Wes Anderson, the sputtering Spike Jonze, the un-darling Darren Aronofsky have put into their whole lives." Yup, sure sounds like everyone's favorite egotist.