According to one incredibly detailed summary in the cache of hacked DNC emails, the White House vetoed a performance by Ariana Grande because she was caught on camera licking a bunch of donuts.

Ariana Grande’s lips have been meandering all over the place lately.

On Sunday, singer Ariana Grande posted a statement on Twitter discussing a range of feminist topics, from the objectification of women to the persistence of misogyny, closing her message with a quotation from women’s liberation leader Gloria Steinem.

Meeting the parents is always complicated. There’s even several movies about it! But this week Ariana Grande’s father had a message for her boyfriend that couldn’t be simpler: Please do not give my daughter any dick.

A Turkish official who was carried across a snowy patch in the Aegean province because he was not wearing sensible footwear has been suspended, the BBC reports, for his inability to comply with the "municipality's attitude of service, citizen relations and values." He had some local farmers carry him as to not get his feetsies wet.

Ariana Grande posted a series of vacation photos with her boyfriend, rapper Big Sean, on Instagram over the weekend, putting a stop to rumors that the two had broken up. Here is a rumor the photos did not disprove, though: The one where Ariana Grande demands to be carried from place to place like an infant.

In 2014, lifelike ponytail Ariana Grande went from "that girl from Nickelodeon" to one of the biggest divas on the planet. Allegedly. Throughout the year, gossip stories piled up on this website and others detailing the precious pop star's terrible antics. We loved it! But was any of it true?

Perhaps feeling frisky after performing at the very grown-up event that is the Annual Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, Ariana Grande revealed a sexual preference to the only virgin in attendance, Ed Sheeran. According to Sheeran, Lil' Ari looked him in the eye during the show's finale and confessed, "I love big black balls."

Ariana Grande's most festive fan was placed on psychiatric hold last week after he showed up at her record label headquarters in New York City wearing a Santa suit. Perhaps inspired by Ariana's new single "Santa Tell Me," 29-year-old Tim Normandin ignored warnings from cops and tried to meet the star.

What follows is a lyrical analysis of this year's sexiest Christmas hymn.

Animated Polly Pocket™ doll Ariana Grande is a "whore," according to rude and uncalled for statements made by Ms. Bette Midler this weekend. Last night, Bette kind of apologized by calling herself a whore, too.

Lil' Miss Ponytail Ariana Grande has an, ahem, enthusiastic fan from Massachusetts: a 29-year-old man named Tim Normandin. Tim sent Ariana a 42.5-pound pumpkin for Halloween. Ariana sent Tim the cops.

Human Baby Bottle Pop™ Ariana Grande is in the market for some new boobs, allegedly. Life & Style reports the star wants a more grown-up look for her new-ish boyfriend, rapper Big Sean. According to a "source," Ariana wants to take her "32A breasts to a B- or C-cup." BadGalAri!

Ariana Grande, the diminutive pop star plagued by demons, recently opened up about leaving the Catholic Church for Kabbalah. "When my brother [Frankie J. Grande] was told that God didn't love him I was like, 'OK, that's not cool,'" she told the Sunday Telegraph. Frankie is an openly gay ex-Big Brother contestant.

Back when prissy lil' peanut Ariana Grande's life coach quit because Ariana was such a diva—allegedly—Ariana called Miley Cyrus for advice. According to Ariana, Miley told her, "It will blow over and tomorrow they'll be talking about something else." Huh, well.

Life is an electrocardiogram in which indignities and downtime are rendered as valleys and peaks, respectively. These are the locations and conditions in which celebs found themselves this week:

Chris Pratt hosted the generally enjoyable season premiere of Saturday Night Live last night, with musical guest Ariana Grande. The premiere brought with it the introduction of the wonderful Michael Che as Weekend Update's new co-anchor and a new cast member that was born in the year 1993. One year before Kurt Cobain died. Let's enjoy the good sketches together!

Page Six reported this morning that human Bratz! doll Ariana Grande's life coach/choreographer quit because she's such a diva. Or possibly, he was fired because he was "telling rumors around town." Or maybe he forced her not to eat?

Teacup Yorkie Ariana Grande has been releasing albums for a little over a year, but she already has a diva-sized 'tude, according to a news.com.au report. The piece claims that she arrived at an interview with a list of demands (don't ask questions about: relationships/dating/ex-boyfriends, Mariah Carey, Sam & Cat/Jennette McCurdy, working/collaborating with Justin Bieber, her grandfather passing away).

The plot of the video is a little like Ariana Grande giving a reading from Romans: difficult to comprehend, but passionately expressed nonetheless. Broadly: Three women who either are best friends (from college?) or have never met before, are alive on a sweltering summer day and then all of a sudden it's nighttime and they're on a roof and they're dancing. Judging from the attire of those assembled, the building at which they have gathered for this alcohol-free party is likely Manhattan's iconic Forever 21 skyscraper. Everyone points at one another. The avenues of New York City are flooded with magenta light, for Breast Cancer Awareness by Dre.The official video for the catchiest Beats by Dre commercial ever written washed over the Internet like a devastating sea of flames Tuesday, leaving thousands homeless and many more badly burned. It's "Bang Bang" by Ariana Grande, Nicki Minaj, and that one girl. Everybody loves it!