The box office numbers that haunt your Monday morning:

We've gotten pretty bold over the last couple of weeks after an impressive string of relative accuracy in our predictions. We even called the death of a world leader before it happened! So we'll continue to flex our prognosticating muscles and foretell another baseball steroid suspension involving a player you've never heard of. Book it.

After another weekend of pretty spot-on projections, we're starting to worry that our newfound accuracy in prognostication is a sign that something bad's going to happen. But the good news, of course, is that God doesn't have to kill another Pulitzer Prize winner this week, a tragedy we promised would come to pass should our predictions be wanting.

We've done pretty well with our predictions the last couple of weekends, so we're feeling a little bold. If this batch isn't accurate, God will take another Pulitzer Prize winner on Monday. Adjust your dead pools accordingly.

Sometimes brevity isn't the soul of wit and only an ungrammatical, spittle-flecked mini-diatribe can effectively express your cynically affected moral outrage. We shudder to think what might have happened if the heathens at Dimension went with their original working title, Popefuckerville.

Mourn the passing of a beloved spiritual leader with Hollywood's version of the rosary—a recitation of the weekend box office numbers.

After last week's inexplicable success with the forecast, we've vowed to try harder to return to our inaccurate roots. Wish us luck.

Witness the Easter miracle that was the inspired accuracy of our box office predictions for the holiday weekend:

Christians: You only really need to be in Church on Sunday, leaving you so much time to fill the coffers of your local movie exhibitor.

The box office numbers that help ease that case of the Mondays:

Enjoy our gleefully inaccurate box office swami routine.

Your box office numbers from the weekend when children ruled the world:

It's a big weekend for people with children, or for fans of older actors who allegedly like to grope the barely legal. These groups probably have quite a bit of overlap.

Take your morning constitutional through the weekend box office numbers.

Our weekend box office predictions, in which we show superhuman restraint in avoiding puns on "cool."

Hey, the movie theaters were open this weekend! We were sure they'd all shutter their doors, but exhibitors defied all logic and continued to hawk their wares for all the non-gays that weren't watching the Oscars.

Star far from the multiplex, as studios toss their unwanted cinematic kittens in a burlap sack and quietly drown them in the Olympic-sized pool of Oscar weekend obscurity.

Please meditate on this weekend's box office numbers, the only fitting way to commemorate our former Presidents on their special day,

Good news! Your local multiplex will remain open during the entire holiday weekend!

Like a big box of chocolates left on your desk by a handsy co-worker, here are your Valetine's Day weekend box office numbers: