Like spilling a hot cup of coffee in your lap just to find out if you can still feel anything, a run through the Monday morning box office numbers:

You're probably already playing hooky (or at least nipping at the flask in your cubicle) on this early Friday afternoon, but still we offer your weekend box office instructions:

Like a restorative splash of vodka in your Monday morning coffee, the box office numbers:

Instead of going outside and enjoying the summer weather, why not relax in the air-conditioned comfort of your local multiplex? There's a dramatically reduced chance that you'll be attacked by a shark while munching on popcorn if it's done at a movie theater instead of in the ocean.

The box office numbers that give order to your otherwise chaotic existence:

Go forth into the summer and taste Hollywood's cinematic delights, but only in accordance with the numbers listed below.

There is only one thing worse than Monday morning—the Tuesday morning following a three-day weekend. Apply the poultice of the box office numbers to your throbbing temples and know that Saturday inches ever closer.

Why barbecue when you can fill Hollywood's pockets with your disposable income?

· Warning, impossibly lame, scatological pun playing on similarity of "Sith" and "shit" ahead: Foreigners eat up Sith, as the movie rakes in $145 million in international release. [Variety]
· The New Paramount™ continues in its mission to spend, spend, spend in the quest to woo A-list actors, dropping $4 million for the rights to Robert Ludlum's book The Chancellor Manuscript for Leonardo DiCaprio. [THR]
· We've been ignoring Cannes, so here's the round-up: Jean-Pierre and Luc Dardenne win the Pal D'Or, Jim Jarmusch the Grand Prix, and Tommy Lee Jones wins best actor. [Variety]
· The Desperate Housewives finale kicks ass, takes names, etc etc. Grey's Anatomy is similarly huge, despite failing to make a play on the similarity of "The Syph" and "Sith." [THR]
· The Ellen DeGeneres Show wins big at the Daytime Emmys, but judging from the ratings numbers, nobody cared. We blame the pantsuit. [Variety]

The Monday morning numbers, with a dash of further wattle-baiting:

Variety reports that Revenge of the Sith did $50 million in its first day of release, putting box office paddle to the green ass of the Shrek 2's single-day record ($44.8 mil). Sith further proved that Hayden Christensen's look of crippling constipation can trump even Keanu Reeve's monosyllabic flavor of colon-blockage, toppling The Matrix Reloaded's opening day record of $42.5 million. To celebrate this early victory, George Lucas announced he's clearing a 100-acre swath of the SkyWalker ranch, where his neck-wattle can roam free while devising its first post-Star Wars project.

OK, now we can safely say that summer blockbuster season is finally here, ready to knock us down, turn our pockets inside-out, and disappear into the night. All hail summer!

Another Monday, another morning of J.Lo-induced suicidal ideation:

Bet your assistant's kidneys on the following box office predictions:

Please enjoy the numbers that make your Monday morning seem a like it's something a little less daunting than the first leg of a five-day barefoot run through a cactus patch.

Your weekend moviegoing options are limited by the following box office projections. If this feels restricting, please realize that life is wholly predetermined anyway.

The numbers that give your Monday morning some meaning:

This is exactly what will happen at the box office this weekend:

The Monday morning numbers that alleviate, however briefly, your post-weekend shakes:

As always, weigh your cinematic options carefully before venturing to the multiplex. We wouldn't want you trolling for some Oscar-winners and wind up with two hours of Kutcher.