We nearly fainted after reading this sentence, the dizzying intersection of our "Eisner Under Fire" and "Hollywood Jailbait" obsessions: "If Michael Eisner could have enslaved the Olsen twins, he would have."

Nothing good can follow in a story that begins thusly: "The scent of money was in the mountain air. Walt Disney Co. Chief Executive Michael Eisner had come to the resort town of Sun Valley, Idaho, with his company's wallet wide open — a risky move at a gathering of voracious moguls."

We do love our documents at Defamer. This email from Warner Music Group head Lyor Cohen announces that they've settled their lawsuit with Madonna's Maverick label—by buying her out. We're not sure why a settlement suddenly materialized, but we suspect someone at Kabbalah High Command pressed a button on their celebrity-control console, making Madonna's red string bracelet start vibrating and tell her it was time to sell.

Jordan Levin, boy-genius CEO of the WB, is looking a little older and a lot less genius this morning—he's about to "resign" as the head of the network. Expect an official "resignation" announcement and subsequent production deal with Warner Bros to be forthcoming.

The New York Post claims that MTV founder/TRL superfan Tom Freston has the advantage in the race to succeed Sumner Redstone as CEO of Viacom. (Quick catch-up for those joining us late: President Mel Karmazin recently quit the Big V, and Redstone named Freston and CBS head/evil mastermind Les Moonves as co-presidents, setting up a King Lear-style succession quagmire. King Lear was a 1997 TV movie starring Ian Holm.) Did Freston beat Moonves to the Linens N' Things to buy the pillow that will decide when the superannuated Redstone is snuffed by suffocation steps down? That would be shame, as Les always struck us as a bare-hands-on-wrinkled-throat guy.

The LAT looks at Napa Valley winery Clos du Val's dominance in the Hollywood product placement game. The premium Clos du val Brand has crept its way into films and TV shows by giving away 240 cases of Clos du Val wine, and Clos du Val will soon be prominently displayed in the new Tom Hanks film The Terminal. Whatever mind-control mojo that Clos du Val has perfected seems to have worked wonders on the LAT, as the brand "Clos du Val," the wine with the "lens-catching terra-cotta-colored label," is repeated a hypnosis-inducing 12 times in the short article/boozy Clos du Val infomercial. Excuse us for a moment while we drink our Clos du Val lunch, then inevitably vomit it back up, pledging to never again drink Clos du Val on an empty stomach.

Even the Wall Street Journal is piling on "penny pinching" Jonathan Dolgen:

SaveDisney.com has an hilarious photo essay depicting Disney's California Adventure theme park as a deserted wasteland this Memorial Day. (Just so you know, SaveDisney is ousted board member/Walt nephew Roy Disney's site.) We once had the pleasure of wandering into the Emptiest Place On Earth, which eerily reminded us of Universal CityWalk during an anthrax scare.

Even the PAs and assistants have opinions on the Jonathan Dolgen resignation. Too many dry-cleaning runs or complaints about the unacceptable amount of egg in your Cobb salad, Jon? When the peons have occasion to slag you, you're not exactly beloved. A "wage slave" opines to blogger "Leslie McZucker":

Former NBC West Coast president Scott Sassa wants to be your Friendster. Actually, now he wants to be *everyone's* Friendster; he's been named CEO of the slow-running, stalker-enabling "social networking tool." He's the perfect choice for the job. We hear that he was so beloved in the writers' room of one sitcom during his NBC tenure that they banged a gong every time his name was mentioned in celebration of his heritage.

According to Variety, Disney CEO Michael Eisner says he's just as likely to give up Disneyland as he is to part with Miramax. (It's become an issue since Eisner refused to let Miramax release Fahrenheit 9/11, in case you're just waking up from a coma). At an investment conference in New York, Eisner was asked if Disney would still own Miramax in five years.

Jonathan Dolgen just quit his post as Viacom Entertainment Group chairman in the aftermath of Mel Karmazin's departure and the subsequent promotions of evil CBS tooth-whitening mastermind Les Moonves and MTV Kutcher-enabler Tom Freston.

Variety reports that producers and networks have made a "final offer' to the WGA that doesn't include a hike in DVD residual rates for writers. (There seems to be a hilarious provision that says if the Screen Actors Guild or Directors Guild manage to squeeze some nickels out of the studios later this year, the WGA can get some of that money.) And, minutes ago, the Writers Guild issued a statement via email calling the latest offer "unacceptable," but pleading for negotiations to continue. Sounds just like the last month of strike news, but with the ominous-sounding, yet totally disingenuous, "final offer" stuff thrown in! Who wants to shut down Hollywood more? Wait and find out...

USA Networks issues the most explicit "fuck you" to America's ad-zapping TiVos yet. "You want to blast through the commercials in our new Dennis Hopper TV movie, motherfucker?" they seem to say. "Go ahead and try! Because the movie is the commercial! You dig?" Tonight's The Last Ride was written for no reason other than to advertise Pontiac's new [model redacted so as to not give them free advertising, but you know we'd blog them up a car chase for little more than a hot sandwich]. Defamer suggests your DVR's handy "delete program" function to counteract this latest attempt at advertainment. Then as soon as it's erased from the hard drive, spend the next hour and forty-five minutes looking at our banner ads and fight the power!

No sooner did the words "I quit" cross Viacom president Mel Karmazin's lips yesterday than shareholders practically defenestrated Disney CEO Michael Eisner from a window in Sleeping Beauty's castle. From all of the chatter, you'd think Mel was already running Disney. Do you ever wonder if Eisner wakes up, pauses in the middle of brushing his teeth with his Donald Duck electric toothbrush, and quietly sobs "Why me?" Yeah, so do we. But then we imagine his diamond-encrusted Mickey robot enters to administer his daily hundred-dollar bill enema, and the bluebirds start singing again.

Warner Bros. is using SWAT tactics to prevent piracy of the new Harry Potter film, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. The studio is deploying night vision goggles to British theaters so that Harry doesn't wind up on street vendors' tables or in the file-sharing network. Vue Cinemas pledged that their begoggled ushers will spend the film's entire two hours and 22 minutes hunting pirates. (Maybe they'll snag a few of those who would try to "enjoy" Hermione's coming of age too publicly—aren't they just pirates of innocence?)

None of this "anlking" bullshit: Viacom president/COO Mel Karmazin (pictured at left) quits, reportedly uncomfortable sharing power with mummified chairman and CEO Sumner Redstone. To solve the power-sharing problems, Viacom immediately promoted MTV's Tom "Teen 4-Ever" Freston and CBS head/extreme tooth-whitening enthusiast Les Moonves to...share power as Redstone's bipartite seconds-in-command. Redstone, meanwhile, will spend the next three years of his dotage choosing a successor, hardly noticing Moonves whispering his own name as he turns down the CEO's bed each night.

MTV and Super Size Me distributor IDP are fighting over MTV's alleged refusal to air a commercial for the documentary, in which director Morgan Spurlock eats nothing but McDonald's for 30 days, three meals a day. IDP claims MTV doesn't want to piss off it's big-money, fast food advertisers. MTV says they merely suggested an edit. (They were probably unhappy that Spurlock is vomiting in the ad.) Which side's publicists do you want to believe? The ones drumming up interest in their somewhat controversial movie, or the ones covering MTV's corporate, ad-revenue lovin' asses?

The LAT reports that E! Networks chief executive Mindy Herman could be out on the street with a cardboard box as early as today—but that box might be full of cash instead of Anna Nicole Smith swag. Herman may be getting $20 million dollars in severance.

LOGO was just announced two days ago and already some competition is lining up to take a poke. The Advocate reports that Cablevision's Rainbow Media Networks also has a gay-targeted cable channel in the works.