Can't imagine why.

In this edition of Gawker Stalker: Maggie Gyllenhaal and Adrien Grenier meet on the street (thus allowing us to violate our anti-Grenier stance just this once), 50 Cent rockin a bulletproof vest, Sienna Miller, Stevie Wonder humidifier shopping, Johnny Knoxville, Diane Sawyer, Mike Nichols, Nathan Lane, Matthew Broderick, Sarah Jessica Parker, Mandy Moore and Zach Braff, Jessica Alba, Kathy Hilton, Brooke Shields, Lorne Michaels, Peter Dinklage, Jason Schwartzman, Puff Daddy, Paul McCartney, Fred Armisen and Martha Plimpton, Cynthia Nixon, Michael Pitt, Martha Stewart, Kyra Sedgewick, James Woods, Kelly Clarkson, Nick Stahl, Minnie Driver, Michelle Trachtenberg, Bobby Flay and Stephanie March, Bobby Cannavale, Tab Hunter, Sam Shepard, and Brian Austin Green.

The Today show featured Katie Couric on a leisurely horseback ride with child actress Dakota Fanning, who instead of playing with Barbie is forced to promote her new movie, Dreamer. Fanning is cute enough in her interview, but what truly made us sputter was the utterly absurd lead-in to the segment, in which Couric introduced Fanning's reel by earnestly annoucing it as, "Dakota Fanning, the early years."

The Treasury Department unveiled the new $10 bill at Ellis Island this morning, and it has all the anti-counterfeiting doo-dads they've included in the new 20 and 50: Colors, color-changing ink, watermarks, special threads. But we most noticed was the makeover performed on Alexander Hamilton — New Yorker, first treasury secretary, Post found. He still looks all colonial, but apparently even 200-odd years ago New York men were a touch metrosexual. How else to explain the carefully coiffed hair, the newly smooth skin, what appear to be tweezed eyebrows?

Star breaks the Watergatian news today that Jennifer Aniston has taken to saying that Angelina Jolie looks like Gollum. Helpfully, the magazine then considers whether it's a reasonable charge.

• Tom Cruise has studied the history of psychiatry, and now he's going to speak about it at the Scientology Center in Los Angeles. Don't even think about going if you're going to be glib. Update: Apparently, the whole thing is a hoax, and our bullshit radar was malfunctioning. Nevertheless, we do maintain that Cruise will kill psychiatry with his bare hands. [Pressbox]
• Oh, how we love those crazy SanFran lefties. [Flickr]
• Park Slope is edgy, too. But to a fault. [NY1]
• Ben Affleck considers running for the Senate, and suddenly Montreal is looking really nice. [Defamer]
• As it turns out, iguanas are illegal to keep as pets in NYC, as are all non-human primates. That's bad news for Maer Roshan's boyfriend. [Gothamist]

• Director Steven Spielberg might be ending his love affair with Tom Cruise because of the actor's sojurn into Crazytown. Specifically, Spielberg uses Ritalin to dope up his kids, which Cruise finds "glib." [Page Six]
• Meanwhile, new mom Britney Spears sides with Brooke Shields, takes on Cruise's ire in her battle against postpartum depression. [Scoop]
• Sadly, the most creative name anyone can come up with for model Tyra Banks and her well-notched bedpost is "Hollywood Hop." [R&M]
• When a pregnant employee speaks less than glowingly of Brad Pitt, the actor brings out his remarkably handsome pink slips. [Page Six]
• In his fight with the New York Times, which he feels portrayed him inaccurately, National Puerto Rican Coalition gets behind Fox News' Geraldo Rivera. The Gray Lady better watch out now, 'cause we hear they can throw a mean parade. [Lowdown (2nd to last)]

An email circulating today, which made its way to our inbox:

Did the Alanis quadruplets in the "Ironic" video give you night terrors for much of 1995? Blame this guy.

• Maybe it's just us, but does the image of what Tara Reid may look like come 2025 not seem all that different than how she looks now? StriVectin, darling — you've been warned. [Gallery of the Absurd]
• Apparently, we're not the only ones disturbed by the possibility of reading Dave Eggers' emails. [TMFTML]
• The crazy kids at the HuffPo welcome Endeavor agent Ari Emmanuel to the fold, and he manages to write an entire post without mentioning that he's the inspiration for the Ari Gold character on HBO's Entourage. You have to admire his restraint. [HuffPo]
• Demi Moore launches a new beauty product line, Demetria. Her special illuminating foundation, no doubt, is made with the milk of Ashton Kutcher. [AdRants]
• Gay Chelsea is dead, and Gay Hell's Kitchen is born. Will the Gays continue northward to plant their flag on Gay Washington Heights? [Curbed]
• Strangely enough, Vanity Fair's New Establishment List does not include Maddox Jolie. [FishbowlNY]

We're not sure how we missed this Economist article for nearly a week. And, even worse, we're not sure how we missed the new celeb-news trend the magazine uncovers:

• Smell that? It's romance, right there, in our air — and it's wafting around David Hauslaib of Jossip and Gawker Hottie and Daily News gossipista Ben Widdicombe. Well done, David. You'll break that glass ceiling yet. [Daily Transom]
• Janice Dickinson, America's First Supertramp. [A Socialite's Life]
• Hey, remember Wilmer Valderrama? You better, 'cause he's on the up and up. No, he swears. [NYDN]
• "What the fuck is going on down there? You mean to tell me the United States cannot get it together to save these people, feed these people, and have some semblance of law and order?" We couldn't say it better ourselves. [Amy's Robot]
• Best designer knock-off, ever. [Banterist]

• Those who care are whispering that Sienna Miller has pulled out of the Roland Mouret fashion show on September 13, perhaps because she'll be too busy feeding Jude Law's fetus. She's yet to contact anyone regarding her role in Factory Girl, which begins shooting in November, so expect her to poop that baby out by October. [Page Six]
• When Jimmy Kimmel disses Star Jones, actress Vivica Fox comes to her friend's defense. Eager to patch things up, Kimmel suggests a dinner with Fox, Jones and her "hubby" Al Reynolds, at which point Fox predicted that Kimmel would have his ass kicked. Certainly not by Al, though. [Lowdown]
• Upon seeing the August Vogue pictorial featuring "Madonna ostentatiously posing in riding habit and boots on a horse whose reins she is awkwardly and incorrectly holding," Camille Paglia knew she was in for a spill. And yet, Paglia did NOTHING to save Madonna. Bitch. [Page Six]
• Sharon Stone pitches a high-powered fit over losing the role of Lana Turner in the late actress' biopic to the significantly younger Catherine Zeta-Jones. [Scoop]
• When the going gets tough, Jets owner Woody Johnson just quits. Or at least suggests selling off his team. [R&M (2nd item)]

We're never really able to get ourselves too terribly worked up over these periodic grad-student-union kerfuffles. Perhaps this is because we received enough pro-union indoctrination in our childhood to last us a lifetime. Perhaps this is because we never much liked our TAs. Perhaps this is because we were rejected from Yale. Or perhaps it's because the bedraggled grad students never had a celebrity spokesperson.

Having undergone the necessary preparations, Natalie Portman readies herself to be adopted by Angelina Jolie.

You'd think that, for over a grand per night, the Ritz-Carlton would be able to keep the riff-raff locked up and under control. Not so much, sadly, when Tommy Lee and Eva Longoria come to town:

• Is a spoof wedding between Britney Spears and a British TV host actually legitimate? And could she just spit that baby out already so we can focus on the important Federletus issues? [Scoop]
• Rumor has it that porcine director Michael Moore is at a very fancy fat farm. We're not sure his crusading will have the same effect without the usual galumphing. [Page Six]
• Bijou Phillips fails to show for her cover shoot for Social Life magazine. If you ask where she was or comment on her irresponsibility, she'll cut you. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Page Six cites Moviefone mogul Henry Jarecki, which probably pisses off actual Moviefone mogul Andrew Jarecki. [Page Six]
• Daily News gossipista Lloyd Grove makes his triumphant return from "vacation" with more reports on Hillary Clinton's potential presidential run, Walter Kirn's blog, and, most importantly, the eating habits of Gwyneth Paltrow's young Apple spawn. [Lowdown]

This may very well be a spoof, but it's August, the world is but a void, and Tom Cruise could feasibly say just about anything these days. Besides, if nothing else, you need to know what to discuss at the water cooler:

It's Day Two of Sean Penn's week-long hostage situation over at the San Francisco Chronicle, during which the hyperbolic actor has forced the newspaper's poor editors to run his reports from time spent in Iran. But it's worth the effort, because you can trust Sean Penn to put on his Ernie Pyle costume and tell us what we really need to know. Brace yourself for the intensity:

This week's New York reports that East Village patron princess Rosario Dawson is leaving New York in favor of the West Coast, where the actress will live with remarkably hunky boyfriend Jason Lewis and their overgrown dogs. Given her lead role in Christopher Columbus' adaptation of Rent, Dawson's departure is at a particularly intense time: