Gawker HQ is a sweltering nightmare, so in a couple hours, we're gonna try to beat the traffic to the Hamptons. No, seriously! I've got to get this S.U.V. on the L.I.E.! I'm gonna be so confused when we get to the Conscience Point Inn — I suppose I'll have to back over myself in my own SUV? Do I have to call myself white trash, or should I hire someone to do that? Could Lizzie Grubman IM me with some tips?
· Rush & Molloy claim that Martha will scurry off to jail quite soon. If you were spending that kind of dough on lawyers, you'd be thrilled to jump behind bars too. [NYDN]
· The newest 'Simple Life' drinking game — every time the sardonic duo say "That's hot," chug-a-lug. Why not? It looks like they did. [NYP]
· Candace Bushnell is 45? [NYDN]
· Mike Tyson skips out on child support payments. Hey, at least he didn't bite his baby momma's ear off. [NYP
· Leo DiCaprio's Manhattan apartment search gets increasingly serious. If he's looking for something authentically "downtown" and "grungey," he should drop me an email. Mice and roaches optional. [NYP]
—Whether you're Scarlett or Hilary, a white skirt and pink Chuck Taylors make you seem like you're trying to pick up whiskey-soaked Japanese businessmen in a Tokyo social club.
—Buy your very own KITT, but be warned: It will not safely turbo-boost you away from a DUI. Just ask Hasselhoff.
—Justin Timberlake's lawyers demand a retraction from News of the World for saying he had sex with someone much hotter and much less famous than Cameron Diaz.
—A t-shirt we can literally get behind.
—Kirstie Alley to star in Fat Actress, a "send-up of her own image as well as Hollywood's obsession with weight and beauty," as well as a convenient excuse to never try and lose another pound. Winking at yourself through fat eyelids is still so much easier than cutting out the carbs.
Sightings are provided by readers, and sent to tips@gawker.com. And yes, heartfelt apologies if my stupid broken-ass email shit deleted yours. It's ugly over here at HQ.
1. Yesterday, in our coverage of the grand opening of Target, we quoted a young woman who expressed a "dirty sick" sadness that the shiny new Target would soon be populated by "Brooklyn trash" who would be "beating their children." Many of you wrote to describe this statement as "racist, elitist bullshit." We prefer to think of it as an expose of what white people really do think. See also: Eddie Murphy's white-face Saturday Night Live bus sketch. Now let us know when you stop beating your children.
—Britney buys flowers to give to finacé Kevin Federline to congratulate him on the birth of his second baby. Really, the second bastard's always the hardest.
—For all of you 90210 archivists, please add this index of photos showing Shannon Doherty's nipples to your pervy collections. [NSFW, via Fleshbot]
—An idea whose time has come: Killing the ugly models and replacing them with the hot kind.
—Two more reasons for Catwoman's certain, horrific failure: Male Halle Berry stunt doubles and "Who the fuck is Benjamin Bratt?"
—Whatevs marvels at the splendor of the ArcLight Cinemas. If Detroit wants $14 movie tickets, we can probably hook that up for them.
—More from Craigslist: I Just Landed the Best Fucking Job in the World!
—As seen on Defamer: Fired CSI actor says he overslept.
—Roseanne up in smoke?
Is that Larry David dining at Xian, the "health-conscious" Beverly Hills Chinese joint (how good can Chinese food be if there's not some danger of your heart bursting through your chest from MSG saturation?), inadvertently captured in the photo for this LA.com profile? It's hard to tell, as Defamer lacks the image-enhancing equipment necessary to say conclusively. But how many older, bald Jewish-looking guys can there be eating Chinese in Beverly Hills?
· Britney's Spears's fiance's baby-momma gives birth to his second son. God, that's gotta be awkward. [NYDN]
· Xtina Aguilera and Andre 3000 want you to vote, but they never have. [NYO]
· Michael Musto's glad Britney Spears gets to make her own mistakes now: "Practically from birth, she's been squeezed dry by the people around her, who've never turned down a single appearance, tour, video, endorsement, or any other chance to make change pop out of her vagina." [V.V.]
· Also, you could buy Britney's apartment and see if any change pops out of her sofa, too. [WSJ]
· Hugh Grant sleeps over at a woman's house: a nation politely covers its mouth and titters. [NYP]
—Has today been the gayest day ever? Ugg boots, handbags, Andy Dick, Linda Effing Ronstadt? In the interest of a little breath-of-fresh-air, penis-in-vagina news, please enjoy this story of Justin Timberlake having heterosexual relations with a big-breasted sort-of actress-y type.
—Yes, we've heard all about Michael Jackson's miracle sperm knocking up a surrogate with quads. What is there to say about MJ? To paraphrase genius comedian Patton Oswalt, wake us up when he rapes a werewolf.
—John Litvack, one of the men behind the fresh-faced, whiny teens y'all love watch growing up on the WB, quits/is fired from the network. [sub. req'd.]
—MTV names new Head Teenager in Charge.
—Nearly as good as the "Our Governor Has A Tiny Cock" throw pillow.
Hollywood PrivacyWatch sightings are sent in by readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com and let Tom Cruise know that to step out in public is to be a target for a catty e-mail about his hair, his height, or his fashion sense.
1. Did dreamy-eyed Jake Gyllenhaal split with America's implant-less sweetheart Kirsten Dunst? [Defamer]
2. Outdoor dining on the Lower East Side. Why, it's just like one of those purty European cities down there! Like Krakow, or maybe Vilnius! [Curbed]
3. Muck-raking, miscreant journalists wanted for new mag run by nutjobs. 10 cents a word, baby. [Craigslist, via Chicha]
4. David Beckham and his Spice Mistress escape a psycho's attempt to burn them alive. Who dares to torch our celebrities? [AP]
—Sci Fi Channel admits the "controversial" M. Night Shyamalan "documentary" was just lame, "guerilla marketing" bullshit: "Perhaps we might have taken the guerrilla campaign one step too far. We thought it would create controversy and it probably went one step too far." We'd love to say "We told you so," but that would be like saying we told you that Joan Rivers has "had some work done."
—Britney is shocked [Ed. note—Shocked!] and angry that newspapers would print that she was drinking a tiny bottle of whiskey in public. Don't we realize that Glenlivet goes much better with Pringles, and that Britney's an orange-fingered Cheetos addict?
—What was up with Fred 62 yesterday? First The OC kids, and now Britney.
—Buried, resurrected, and killed again: Canada discovers Hollywood's Kabbalah obsession.
A couple of reports from area stalkers of The OC's stars, letting us know how the kids are spending their summer vacation. Part One, "Fucking and Fighting," starring pouty. doe-eyed breadstick Mischa Barton:
A quick follow-up on the post about our reader who wound up with the cellphone number of Roseanne's assistant Becky. A source very close to the situation informs us that Becky called to apologize for all the annoying phone calls, and that she was "actually very sweet and cool." Becky also assured our source that she speaks with her mother frequently and was not dodging her calls—just those of paparazzi that frequently harass her by phone. Defamer is always a sucker for a happy ending.
We'd love to say that we snuck into Thursday's premiere of The Bourne Supremacy at the ArcLight and the after party across the street, but a friend (i.e. not anyone connected to the movie) slipped us a pair of tickets at the last minute. Feel free to invent your own story. Maybe we seduced a cocktail waitress and stole her uniform as she performed the standard shame-driven, post-coital vomiting fit that "friends of Defamer" all seem to suffer? Whatever works for you.
· The O.C.'s Mischa Barton (AKA Mischa Barfin) may be headed for emaciated singlehood. [NYP]
· Does Queen Esther exploit her dancing queens? [NYDN]
· He shipped a bazillion copies, but nobody's reading the damn endless Bill Clinton book. [NY Metro]
· GQ, unwilling to be left behind in the magazine pile-on against George Bush, goes ape with a faux-Bush biography. [NYP]
· Jules Asner and Kimora Lee Simmons to hostess super-trashy chat-fest on the WB. [NYP]
· Plans for Maxim publisher's Felix Dennis Poetry Slam Stadium Tour 2004 escalate. [NYDN]
—Hold on, there's a word for filming Lindsay Lohan jiggling around a high school in a really tight shirt? [via Jossip]
—[cough] BULLSHIT! [cough] DUMMY! [cough] STANFORD-BINET'S METHODOLOGY IS FUCKING SUSPECT ANYWAY! (Thanks, Matt!)
—Richard Rushfield takes down King Arthur's writer: "Mr. Bruckheimer, if you are out there listening and have any more checks handy, I've been studying the matter really really closely, and the thing about Ordinary People is, if you strip away all the fancy suburban houses and psychiatrist appointments and just throw in some guns and a hotel full of Nazis, what you get is Donald Sutherland and Mary Tyler Moore as The Dirty Dozen. What do you say? I'm almost positive we could get Judd Hirsch."
—Dude, what would you do if Sandra Bullock came into your Urban Outfitters? We'd totally name-check The Net.
—White trashy pop-star or poolside basted turkey? [via Whatevs]
—Let us get this straight: Bijou Phillips smacks Lindsay Lohan with a bullwhip RIGHT HERE IN LA—and no one tells us about it? Sigh.
