Never a good idea: take some of recent history's funniest moments and explain why they're funny, thereby stomping their hilarity into the mud like the bone fragments of Bambi's mother after she met Godzilla.
Perhaps some of you more internet-addicted sort noticed that I disappeared for about 12 hours today, and was unable to dispense my usual high-handed crapulence. But I'll have you know I was doing us all a service.
We're still not convinced that Carol Kolb, editor-in-chief of The Onion, is a real person. (We figure she's a Googled-up blonde lady, used to put a human face on the terrifying drug-disfigured hippies from Wisconsin that run their fine publication.) Still, today's interview with her on Handlebars is hilarious. On sarcasm-impaired readers:
You'll never have to read about Paris Hilton again after Sunday's 4000-word summation by Guy Martin in the Observer magazine. It makes Paris's porn-tape-crisis publicist, Dan Klores, look mighty good along the way:
We kept hearing rumors that there'd be cool Olympic Torch carriers this weekend. Guess what? No Russian "it" girls, no Nan Kempners, no nothing. Nobodies! Ordinary people! Ugh. (The only highlight? Nadia Comaneci. And she lives in Oklahoma!) Ooh, and Paula Zahn. Whatever. Worst Olympic Torch relay ever. We're leaving town extra early this weekend.
Olympic Torch Relay in NYC on Saturday [Gothamist]
Downtown drag/cabaret/terror act Kiki and Herb have finally decided to jump off the geriatic cruise — they'll be calling it quits at the end of summer. Their final show? September 19th, at, as blogger Uffish put it, Carnegie Fucking Hall.
[UPDATE: Totally untrue. They're not retiring, they're merely taking their schtick overseas for a year or so. Well, Europe = death, so close enough.]
End of an Era [Uffish]
Kiki and Herb [K&H]
A delightful anonymous source provided us with a snapshot of Pascal Rostain and Bruno Mouron's installation of CNN dude Larry King's trash, the removal of which was the lead item in today's Page Six. You can see the rest of the 'Star Trash' at 28 Wooster Street or Le Bernardin. Click image for full view.
Here at Gawker, two has always equaled a trend — and this one smells like the Beatles. What gives? Did Ringo die or something? From Open All Night comes this photo of Sean Lennon at the 'Fahrenheit 9/11' premiere, eerily resembling his father — and now, the Conde Nast cafeteria is hosting a "Strawberry Fields" theme at their international table. A bizarrely overzealous lunch report follows.
On Monday night, we borrowed wannabe rock star Gary Benchley, of Morning News fame, to report from one of those especially twisted Manhattan oddities: B-List-Celebrity-Studded Life-Threatening Disease Benefit #4958. Armed with photographer Eliot from Slower, young Gary got an ugly taste of red carpet culture. Above: Ex-ultramodel Janice Dickinson, celebrating a half-century of exceptional service.
Rounding out our gayest day ever here on Gawker — we promise, not another WORD about the homos til at least Friday — is today's Young Manhattanite interview with Village Voice gossip Michael Musto. Musto evidently yearns for 1986, back when he was famous, and he'd like to kick the coat-tailing Carsons and Kyans of the world to the curb:
Some days we start work and think, "The internet? That's for shut-in halfwits, chunkily chugging their non-diet sodas, manipulating their dirty parts to slash fiction of Ray Romano and The Bachelor."
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of a big floofy flower-laden website to document every iota of my wedding. And once again, Star Jones has stolen my dreams!
Please note: formerly called "Remainders," I thought these sort-of daily updates deserved a more accurate name. There, that's better.
Aww, New York's most famous Asperger's victim has tried to set us all free on the third rail once again. On Friday, Darius McCollum got arrested for something like the 20th time in 24 years for his obsession with driving the subways. Just give the brother a fucking job already, right?
Someone better be getting her trademark infringement lawsuit ready — she did copyright her own name, we hope? A Texan writes:
We keep frantically turning to the pages of the NY Daily News, looking desperately for Lloyd Grove's gossip column. But it's never there, and our heart breaks a little bit every day. Lloyd was on vacation just the last week of April — what gives?
Britney's had a long couple of days. She snubbed Bono's kids, she has to now answer the $10 mil copyright infringement lawsuit, and, horror of horrors, she's had an accident. While filming a video under the L train in Queens [Ed. Note: Uh, no? Maybe the 7 train?] with Snoop Dogg, she's busted out one of her kneecaps. And if that doesn't lend itself to dirty innuendo, well, I'll eat my codpiece.
