We've been wondering what hot new "community group" comes after kabbalah, after Scientology, and after whatever cult it is that everyone joins when they move to California which makes them dumb. Now we know! By the marks on her shoulders, we can see that poor Gwyneth Paltrow has fallen victim to a hot new self-flagellating UFO-enthusiast cult. Well, either that or she has a mean case of tertiary syphilis. [Update: Our new favorite theory — Gwynnie went a-cupping. Second favorite: "that's from one of those hot-glass massages they do in like Vietnam or something."]
Anchorman Screening [Open All Night]

See also: Gwyneth's Lady of the Rings [Evening Standard]

1. Everything you ever needed to know about the Cameron Diaz softcore video, now hitting the internerd near you. [Fleshbot]
2. For a severely injured person, Britney Spears is sure spending a lot of time playing on her knees. Err, with her knees. [Defamer]
3. Apple (Paltrow) Martin's Friendster profile. (Friendster! Remember that?) [Friendster]
4. The rise of literary agents, those delightful disfigured vipers of the publishing world. [V. V.]
5. We love to hate on New York mag writer David Amsden: he makes us crazy with blind hatred. But we must begrudgingly admit that he comes off with great grace and aplomb in this interview from yesterday. Still — we have the weirdest urge to ball-kick him most days. Why is that? [Gothamist]

Our Special Correspondent on Geek Sports, Steven I. Weiss of Fiddish, files a report from uptown:

We kinda like that Sarah Lewitinn chick who writes for Spin — she's clearly a straight-up lush and that's always appreciated. But here's Sarah in today's NY Post on the spate of prom parties in Manhattan:

Ah ha! We knew last night's report about David Hasselhoff doing radio interviews about rehab with Mary-Kate Olsen was too... icky to be true. No, it's much better — according to this morning's Deseret Morning News (WTF?), some guy claiming to work for the Cirque Lodge rehab was the one who phoned the radio station and said Mary-Kate was a rehab resident. Wow, they're right — reporting the news is fun! If I had a radio station, hell yeah, I'd put just anyone on it saying anything they wanted!
Caller says Olsen twin is being treated in UtahDeseret Morning News]

We hear a rumor — and this is pretty much from a tin can through a string up to our treehouse — that David Hasselhoff confirmed today on some radio station that he was indeed in residence at Cirque Lodge rehab in Sundance until quite recently. (The radio station was apparently in Salt Lake City, however? Wha huh wha?) Furthermore, our reports say that Hasselhoff confirmed the attendance at said rehab of Ms. Mary-Kate Olsen.

Survivor: Africa reality show winner Ethan Zohn was just trying to do some charitable work against AIDS in Africa. Unfortunately, the subtraction of a single letter in his statement made him into kind of an adulterous manwhore. The Times corrects today:

Paris Buys 'Paris' [Fleshbot]

I don't know about you, but when I finally overdose, I really don't want the last thing I see to be David Lee Roth's lips descending over my face.
David Lee Roth's New Gig: EMT [E! via Everything Important]

The union representing Broadway actors nearly shut down the theater district today. Don't be alarmed — it happens pretty much every year on the day after Gay Pride. Those theater girls get awfully testy after a long weekend of hard drugs and crossdressing.

Oh, good gravy. Britney's announced her engagement to Kevin Federline. We should have had this post all ready to go — you know, like a Reagan obituary — for this very moment. But we have nothing... except a sort of Britney-induced Weltschmerz. How can we be sure little Brit is making the right choice? How can we know that Kevin will treat her right? He danced into her heart so recently, after all. And how many hours til they're un-engaged?

We have been hearing SHOCKING, SHOCKING ideas from many (many= "more than three") sources that Mary-Kate Olsen is not in a rehab that specializes in eating disorders. We hear a rumor — and this is a rumor, I will remind you — that she is actually a temporary resident of the glamorous Cirque Lodge rehab in Sundance. [UPDATE: There is a certain camp of gossips that think M-K is at Silver Hills, the classic Connecticut choice for gentle rehabilitation. Mmm, delicious!] Further rumormongering: we also hear that David Hasselhoff, after giving it a whirl at Betty Ford back in 2002, is a current resident at the Lodge as well. If it's true, well, boy howdy would I like to hear those two in deep, detoxing conversation.

One rule that should have made it onto The Stranger's list of rules for gays: never ever ever spend $20,000 on a dog just because Bette Midler touched it.

Madonna Stalking [Toole]

A few important — and DEVELOPING!!! — stories that we shall surely hear more about at a later time, like when I'm not rushing off to a pedicure. (Hello, we're way into sandal season! Priorities!)

Sightings are provided by readers, and then sometimes randomly deleted by our crap-ass mail server, and then sometimes published! Send yours to tips@gawker.com.

· Paris Hilton makes daring artistic decision, proving all naysayers wrong — filming begins on National Lampoon sorority-ho movie. [NYP]
· What happened, gastric bypass pioneer Carnie Phillips? Where the hell did you go? "I moved into my bong and just got stoned every minute," confesses Carnie. [NYDN (6th item)]
· Alistair Cooke's family crept into Central Park and shook his ashes around. Kinda gross? But I guess it won't be the first body spread around in the Park. [NYP]
· Why is Bijou Phillips crazy now? Because the guy she used to cheat on her ex with is marrying the girl her ex used to cheat on her with? (Parse that.) [NYP]
· Queer Eye party and White Chicks party scheduled simultaneously at Viscaya — crossdressing interracial hilarity resists ensuing. [NYDN (2nd item)]

Who says New York isn't moving forward? The MTA has apparently brought back the Miss Subway pageants — but it's okay, feminazis, they're calling it the Ms. Subway pageant now. Super. We hope they find a way to bring back inequitable pay rates for women, too — oh wait, never mind, we got that one covered.
New York to Revive Subway Beauty Contests [CNN, via You Can't Make It Up, which also brings us news that the feds are rebranding food stamps. Evidently "food stamps" was too reminiscent of "food" and "stamps."]

Just like I didn't really need to know all about Mary-Kate's eating disorder — or should that be "eating disorder"? The scare quotes, incidentally, indicate suspicion in this instance — I'm not sure I needed to know so much about the accusations that Colin Farrell employed stuntcock on his recent full-frontal naked nude film work. Defamer has an interesting first-hand report — well, not that first-hand — from a self-described expert in on-screen cockology.
More On Colin Farrell's Mammoth Privates [Defamer]

1. Radiohead's "Paranoid Android" performed by UMass percussion ensemble.
2. USAir is basically handing out free airmiles with their new credit card: 15,000 plus a $99 companion ticket, and a 1000 miles each when you add bills to the card. Take 'em for all they're worth.
3. NYT mucks up Google-bombing story.
4. We're still waiting for the cut (har) scenes from A Home At The End Of The World of Colin Farrell's evidently un-toward manparts to make their way to the internet. NSFW: Meanwhile...