• Nicole Richie may know "what she did" to Paris Hilton, but she also knows "that Paris loves to talk about it and that stuff, but that's just not my style." If Richie's taking the high road, it totally tests the nature of the universe. [E!]
• Tim Robbins proves that celebrities aren't cut out for service work with a shameful bartending performance at the LES's Back Room. [Page Six]
• George Clooney talks about shooting spinal fluid from his nose, thus securing his slot as People's sexiest old man alive. [Scoop]
• Law and Order: Criminal Intent actor Vincent D'Onofrio fights for a man's right to watch hardcore porn in his trailer. A champion for human rights, indeed. [Lowdown]
• Leslee Dart, heroine of the PR world, continues to poach warm bodies from her mentor, Pat Kingsley. [Page Six]
• Los Angeles club Mood cancels plans to host actress Gabrielle Union's birthday party after learning that she's black. It's nice to see that after all these years, people can finally be honest about their racism. Rosa Parks would be proud. [R&M]

Broadcasting & Cable confirms WOW Report's story about Fox's hasty execution of The Simple Life; predictably, the network's statement contains no reference to Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie's mutual desire to kick each other in the ladyparts. From B&C:

It seems that the twin problems of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie's bloodfeud and Hilton's recent break-up were too much for the production of The Simple Life: Homewrecking Sluts Edition to overcome, as the WOW Report reveals that Fox has pulled the plug on America's favorite useless celebutantes:

Fox might be trying a little too hard to shake up the profoundly stale rich-girls-act-dumb-and-fuck-stuff-up formula that's made Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie a reality TV fixture the last few seasons. The Always Classy Network will soon proudly present The Simple Life: Homewrecking Sluts Edition:

• After a year of tolerating her presence as their red-carpet representative, E! finally musters the courage to not renew View co-beast Star Jones' contract. We expect Jones to retaliate the only way she knows how: by beating the crap out of her emasculated "husband" Al Reynolds. [Page Six]
• How to make the upcoming season of the Simple Life, in which Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie will attempt to be surrogate mothers in strange families, all the more compelling? By intentionally seeking out husbands who'll try to cheat on their wives with the skanky starlets. [Scoop]
• Rush & Molloy spoil Jodie Foster's Flightplan, but only for the sake of pointing out how stupid flight attendants can be. [R&M]
• More rehab fun: Us Weekly marketing head Gary Armstrong heads off to a nice white room to deal with his drinking problems. [Page Six]
• Just a mere 18 months after ex-Nets player Jayson Williams was acquitted on charges of aggravated manslaughter, he's throwing a book party for his lawyer's new crime novel. [Lowdown]

• Kate Moss' well-documented coke binge last week doesn't compare to that one time she blew through a fist-sized mound of cocaine with fellow catwalker Naomi Campbell, or when she demanded several hundred British pounds' worth of coke just to attend an event with Nelson Mandela, or that three-way incident with Jude Law and his then-wife, Sadie Frost. [R&M]
• The pre-Emmy party at the Hollywood Roosevelt hotel was a tweenie showdown, with Nicole Richie and Mischa Barton holding court on one side of the pool and Paris Hilton, Mary-Kate Olsen, and Lindsay Lohan on the other. Lohan, being friendly with both "teams," spent most of her time running back and forth. Then Hilary Duff took everyone's lunch money. [Page Six]
• On her last night as a free woman, newly-imprisoned rapper Lil' Kim enjoyed a tearful dinner at Mr. Chow and dancing at PM. All in Gucci, and all for the cameras. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• When Mayor Bloomberg kisses a woman, it's "all teeth, no tongue." Remember that come November. [Page Six]
• Will Martha Stewart take off her chinchilla just long enough to shill for PETA? [Scoop]

• After backing out of a Wenner Media luncheon when she learned that big Jann Wenner wouldn't be attending, chemically-aided waif Nicole Richie was appeased by a private meeting in Jann's office and a ritual lunching with Us Weekly editor Janice Min. See, celebrity weeklies are nice: They're feeding our starlets! [Page Six]
• Victims of Hurricane Katrina have been receiving debit cards from the Red Cross in order to purchase the essentials during these rough times. For some, these essentials can be found at the Louis Vuitton store in Atlanta, where at least two of the cards have been used to purchase luxury goods. [Gatecrasher]
• Jude Law's maligned on-and-off fiancée Sienna Miller may or may not be pregnant with the actor's baby. No one really has a clue, but that's no reason to refrain from rampant speculation. [R&M]
• Frank Bruni turns his iPod up to Red Alert levels, as Tribeca's Bouley Bakery and Market is having staffing issues just days before the Times foodie is scheduled to visit. [Page Six]
• Lloyd Grove sides with Sean Penn's wife Robin Wright Penn, who wants us all to go fuck ourselves for mocking her hubby. [Lowdown]
• Cream puffs bid on the eBay auction of Matt Damon's half-eaten créme puff. [Scoop]

• Socialtwat Paris Hilton is yet again insisting she's "so not sexual." Right, because to be consciously sexual would imply some degree of self-awareness. [Page Six]
• Meanwhile, producers of the Simple Life are finding it increasingly different to film the reality flick when Hilton and her co-star, Nicole Richie, still aren't speaking. We'd kind of like to see a completely silent version of the series, actually. [Scoop]
• Is Dick Cheney dead? Just wondering. [Lowdown]
• Monica Lewinsky is finally leaving New York for the warm embrace of London, where she'll be pursuing a Master's degree in Social Psychology at the London School of Economics. We challenge you to think of a more inappropriate career path. [Page Six]
• Madonna makes $8 million in 10 hours. You, however, are late with the rent check. [R&M (2nd item)]

• Nicole Richie and her fiancée DJ AM acted rather chilly towards one another at his club, especially after AM pushed Richie away from him. Like our mother always said: It's not good to fight on an empty stomach. [R&M (3rd item)]
• After getting hit on the head by a falling pole, Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria is back to work. She didn't even take six weeks off! What a trouper. These starlets are just soooo inspirational. [Page Six]
• Designer Marc Ecko vows to file a federal lawsuit against Mayor Bloomberg for denying him his right to throw a graffiti block party. In a city where we can't even dance and smoke in the same rooms where we get hammered, was Ecko really surprised? [NYDN]
• Now that the Plaza hotel is being raped and pillaged into condos, real estate-watchers are speculating that a 600-square-foot studio could go for around $1.4 million. It's a fair price to live a safe distance from vegan murderers looking for smack. [Page Six]
• Remember Mario Vasquez, the American Idol hopeful who bolted the show for no good reason? Smart move, as he's just signed a hefty record deal with Clive Davis. Corey Clark is so jealous. [Fox411]

• Upon hearing that Paris Hilton's latest cinematic venture was slated to flop on the same day as that of Nicole Richie, Team Nicole pushes up the release of Kids in America to October 21. That's what It's an exciting race to see who can shamelessly promote themselves first! [Page Six]
• Jessica Simpson fans rip her clothes off while she innocently tries to shop. Apparently, the starlet didn't enjoy this, and her lack of enthusiasm sends father Joe into a violent, Jesus-fuelled rage. [R&M (2nd item)]
• After Cannabis Culture editor Marc Emery was arrested in Vancouver for selling millions of dollars' worth of the good stuff, maybe High Times might want to reduce the number of seed-selling ads in their pages. [Lowdown]
• Fridays are for Friedman, and Roger is all atwitter for the release of Stevie Wonder's latest album. Pray for a Grammy, Rog. Just pray. [Fox411]

Yesterday we mentioned our burning excitement at Nicole Richie's forthcoming book, which we hoped would explain how she lost 80% of her body weight in a matter of minutes. As it turns out, the September issue of Teen Vogue features Richie on its bite-sized cover and, lucky us, her book is mentioned in the resulting interview:

In her subscribers-only newsletter editorial titled "Take out the White Trash," Lookonline's entertainment editor Diane Clehane gets lost nostalgic for the 90's, when celebrity fashion icons were of the likes of Princess Diana and Carolyn Bessette Kennedy. Today's reality, for Clehane, isn't quite so stylish:

· Paris Hilton's entrance to a party at her parents' house: "Paris and [friend] Nicole [Richie] arrived in a helicopter on the lawn. Paris was with her 'abused' dog Tinkerbell and they were wearing matching Chanel outifts. Paris even made Tinkerbell wear tiny little Chanel shoes. Tinkerbell looked like she was in hell." [Page Six]
· From an email to the Junior International Club (association for young socialites) mailing list: "[we've] decided there is not a party for people of our social set to enjoy. And at any time it is attempted, the party is ruined by individuals from the nether-regions (read: anywhere other than Manhattan). So we have formed a committee to benefit the rotting of our livers. It is to be a roaming party that will occur on a non-regular basis (read: whenever it strikes our fancy)" [Page Six]
· Potential Anna sighting: "Julianne Moore, Julia Stiles, Rosie Perez, Annabella Sciorra, Stephanie March and Anna Wintour will be among guests attending Cartier's celebration of Le Baiser du Dragon, a collection of Chinese-inspired jewels, tomorrow at 6:30 p.m., at the Cartier Mansion on Fifth Ave." [NY Daily News]