Single women, are you marriage-obsessed? Like an HBO caricature, do you dream of your New York Times wedding photo announcement? Gawker Intern Alexis certainly does. She's a religious reader of the NYT's Wedding Vows section and she detected a curious pattern—lots of investment banker/teacher couples (oh, sweet union of capitalism and public service). Alexis and Gawker Resident Statistician Andrew Krucoff then got all anal on the matrimony issue by recording age and profession for all the couples, approximately 500 of them, in the NYT's Wedding Vows section between June and August 2004. After the jump we look at Part 1 of the analysis: the ugly reality of age.

Sightings are sent in by readers; send yours to tips@gawker.com.

—"The source insisted that Leno’s stepping down had nothing to do with his recent interview with L.A. Weekly revealing his left-of-center politics." Whew, for a minute there we thought Nikki Finke brought down the Leno regime. At least Conan's getting promoted, no matter how he got there.
—As if Kevin Federline's unearned celebrity weren't troubling enough, there's now an army of Federlings running around. [via Witz.org]
—The latest victim of actress nipple-slippage: Gwyneth Paltrow. You're really going to have to squint for this one.
—Lindsay Lohan's dad gets chucked out of Scores, quickly ascends our list of People We Want To Drink With, But Are A Little Afraid Of.
—Since she's an American citizen (we think), we probably can't block Madonna's return to our country. But way to go, Egypt!

1. We're currently waiting for confirmation on this from The Daily Show, but we keep hearing there's an election coming up. In the meantime, ACT (the people that brought you the hilarious video of Will Ferrell reprising his timeless Dubya impression) is selling art and putting on a show at King King tonight to help get out the vote in swing states.
2. Ignore what we said and form your own opinion about Val Kilmer in The Ten Commandments: The Musical, which officially opens today at the Kodak Theatre. We're sure they've got that burning bush nice and reliably operational by now. Come on, Egyptian disco!
3. Turn out at the Troubadour and help Phantom Planet remember that they've got many other songs besides the theme from The O.C., which will haunt (and, hopefully, enrich) them for the rest of their days.

—We're going to be as restrained as possible here: Win a dream lunch date with Fabio!
—Enjoy this slideshow detailing Britney Spears' quick descent into utter tackiness. [via popdirt]
—Mike Seaver is a born again Christian and TV-sister Carol is getting slapped with felonies for drunk driving? You really never know with former child actors.
—Defamer mini-PSA: If "D. Schwimmer" appears on your caller ID and he's ever dated someone you know, let the voicemail pick up. Trust us. [second item]
—Cinemocracy reviews possible Cusack canoodler/First Daughter hopeful Alexandra Kerry's short film.
—You should've seen the original NYT Magazine cover featuring Wonkette, Anderson Cooper, Tim Russert, and fifteen pounds of carrot cake. Hott. But it's the Gray Lady, so they settled on something a little tamer. Still, you can't see her hands.

Friday
1. Token Surreal Life-related activity: Jordan Knight flies solo at the Roxy in a show that will test either the limits of your NKOTB fandom or your ironic appreciation of shameful enthusiasms of your youth. Hang tough, people.
2. Shed your preconceived notions that all Italians are gangster CGI sharks as prominent paesans Adam Carolla, Tommy Lasorda, and Jimmy Kimmel (who knew?) host the third annual Precious Cheese Feast of San Gennaro at the Grove. Remember, meat and cheese are Atkins-friendly.
Saturday
3. Happy Yom Kippur. We suppose that many of you will be busy with the atoning.
4. It wouldn’t be a proper To Do without some art thing for the cool kids: Cannibal Flower at Hangar 1018.
5. Another day, another film festival: The Silverlake Film Festival begins. Hey, that’s how it goes in this town; if you don't like it, maybe we can show you a nice ranch house in Utah? Shit, they have a film festival, too.
Sunday
6. AIR, Stereolab, and Sondre Lerche play the Hollywood Bowl. BYO hallucinogens. Ah, we're just kidding. The music's fine even if you're sober. Not that we would recommend that at the Bowl.

Yossi Klein Halevi, the Kabbalah debunker who went deep inside the Centre for The New Republic a few months ago, takes a few of the LAT's column inches to remind real Jews that Madonna's recent trip to Israel doesn't make her and her culty, magic-water swilling, Judaism-diluting buddies any less dangerous:

We realize that these "technical difficulties" announcements don't really help anyone as they can't be posted until after the problems have been resolved, but we feel compelled to share the information that our servers were temporarily down and that the appropriate parties have been beaten with wooden spoons from the Martha Stewart line of aspirational-lifestyle cookware. This appeals to our sense of justice, and, hopefully, to yours as well. Regular posting will resume shortly, right after we slap an intern for no good reason at all.

Sightings are sent in by readers; send yours to tips@gawker.com.

Team Party Crash passed on the doggy-style party at the Waldorf Wednesday night in favor of a special, emotional evening — "1924-2004, Eighty Years of Italian Emotional Jewelry" — hosted by the heirs of the Damiani dynasty and held at Le Cirque's L'Orangerie and Library rooms. David Patrick Columbia, eat your goose heart out. Andrew Krucoff reports on the the crusty implant set.

—Vividblurry does the math on the devolution of Lil Kim. It all adds up!
—The Billionaire Bitchslappers Club continues its petty rampage across America's talk shows and gossip rags.
—Harrison Ford shows his affection by tossing Calista Flockhart into a trashcan. But can anyone prove conclusively he wasn't merely disposing of an old skeleton he had lying around?
—Britney Double Shot: More on the wedding's legal status and a look at her lost memo. Someone call Dan Rather, this looks like it's in his wheelhouse.
—Paris Hilton's logo is eerily similar to someone else's.
—Tantric self-loving sister site Fleshbot stumbles upon a pre-enhancement nipple slip from Defamer's favorite human distillery.

1. Former Nirvana bassist Krist Novoselic will sign his book for Of Grunge And Government, Let's Fix This Broken Democracy! tonight at the Virgin Megastore. We're secretly hoping that Courtney Love is going to show up in an attempt to sabotage it, but she's probably in jail or rehab or something. Also, Mark Andersen will sign his book All the Power - Revolution Without Illusion, but Love would probably just ignore him.
2. If there's one thing we learned by watching ten seconds of Sex and the City that one time, it's that you ladies love to shop and drink. According to Defamer's intrepid Intern Y, there's a "Stylish Girls Night Out" sample sale on Camrose Ave. serving free martinis. Have at it. (Here's a link, but you have to register to get more details. We wash our hands of the whole thing.)
3. Defamer restraining order holder Sarah Silverman is performing her one-woman show, Jesus is Magic, at El Portal. Yes, it's in NoHo, but we've already seen the show and it's worth the ticket price just to hear her sing through her ass and her vagina. Don't ask.

—Christina Aguilera allegedly calls Britney Spears' wedding "trashy, pathetic, and low rent." We'd love to write this off as an instance of "great minds think alike," but we're suspicious that she's been reading our Hello Kitty diary again.
—"My sunglasses match the cocaine tray, I'm so L.A." We recommend you watch this entertaining video as while we work to improve our accessorization with drug paraphernalia.
—It's always hilarious when Larry David tries his best to blur the line between his TV-self and his real-self. We don't think he's joking about turning the incident into a Curb episode, either.
—In case you needed another update on Britney Spears' marital status, here you go.

1. The fourth annual Young Directors Night at LACMA features seven short films, including one by the filmmaker daughter of a presidential candidate. We know that you love guessing games, so we won't name her. Hint: Her father actually fought in a war; you can probably cross off a certain pair of drunken twins from your list of guesses right off the top. (Oops, that's her picture on the left! Silly us.)
2. See visiting off-Broadway show Who Killed Woody Allen? make its debut in Los Angeles at The Olympic Improv West. The title is probably a rhetorical question, but didn't he kill himself after Hollywood Ending?
3. More rock shows than you can shake a stick at, as if that would somehow help you make up your mind about which one to go see: Rock Against Bush at the Henry Fonda, The Thrills do an Amoeba in-store, The Pixies play the Greek, and The Natural History hit Spaceland.

Sightings are sent in by readers; send yours to tips@gawker.com.

—Team Fugly examines Cybill Shepherd's disturbing transformation from Little Red Riding Hood to a menopausal version of Yahoo Serious.
—LAVoice's Mack Reed wonders whether The Highlands would exist if not for the Hollywood premiere party circuit. Our guess: No, it would not.
—Our A Dirty Shame blog interviews Selma Blair, and there's no avoiding the giant, latex elephant in the room.
—Sure, she's personally worth tens of millions of dollars and her family owns a chain of hotels, so why wouldn't we believe that Paris Hilton has never heard of the Wall Street Journal? [third item]
—Disney's board of directors says it will find CEO Michael Eisner's replacement by June. If they expect to stick to that timetable, they'd better get to work right now disarming the elaborate network of booby-trap "checks and balances" meant to keep torch-wielding shareholder mobs at bay.
—Buy an Associate Producer credit on eBay and get started on your fake producing career today!

New York mag's resident dating columnist Amy Sohn has written one of those magical book things we keep hearing about. Apparently, if you can write more than 15 pages at a time, you can get an agent thingy and they'll help you make enough money to pay for rent or something — or, at the very least, you'll get a party celebrating the release of your book at Lotus. Gawker Special Correspondent Lockhart Steele and staff photographer Eliot Shepard investigate the meat-packed release of Amy Sohn's My Old Man.

1. Tonight's RES Film Screening at the Egyptian will focus on the very cool art of film title design. And they're also presenting new music videos from Air, Zero 7, and Prodigy, with DJs and drinking to follow. Go for the art, stay for the booze.
2. Get your Spicoli on, but keep your little Judge Reinhold in your pants: Fast Times at Ridgemont High plays at the ArcLight, followed by a Q&A with director Amy Heckerling.
3. Sure, you've seen Stars Wars no fewer than 35 times and you're about to buy the DVD. But it's showing at the Santa Monica Pier, and there's something really special about being able to celebrate the Death Star's destruction on the shores of the Pacific, with a bushel of carnies just a stone's throw away.

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our night-vision-goggled readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com and let John Travolta know you've noticed how his hats have gone up three sizes since Lucky Numbers.

—Even the NY Daily News disses the Valley: "Spears had told pals she wanted a 'storybook wedding,' but opted for the tiny gathering at a friend's home in the decidedly unglamorous Studio City neighborhood."
—It might be time to start praying for Rodney Dangerfield, who's slipped into a "light coma," but is starting to "show signs of awareness."
—A "flaky" stylist "loses" a million bucks' worth of jewelry in the parking lot of Staples Center, then offers to go on Extra and ET to beg for the jewel's safe return. We bet we know how this one turns out.
—Low Culture breaks down Garry Shandling's face. They're missing the hypodermic needle full of face-paralyzing toxins, but who are we to quibble?
—LA.com offers a close examination of Emmy bling, while blogger Spirit Fingers tries to reconstruct the Emmy goodie bag. In unrelated news, we ate Ramen noodles for our last three meals.
—Claire Danes and boyfriend/Mary-Louise Parker ditcher Billy Crudup take great pains to avoid seeming like a couple in Toronto.
—Do you ever wonder if the LAT ever gets embarrassed about how much better the NYT's coverage of Hollywood is? Just askin'.