• Kate Moss and Pete Doherty = Heloise, Abelard. Evidence? This is Kate: "You have touched my heart and soul you little fucker... You make me high my sweet. My skin shivers and longs to be held by you." Pete: "Smack and needle-free we shall marry in the summer and I become 10 times happier than any given smackhead. Huzzah!" Awww. (Seriously!) [Page Six]
  

• Remember that cute little kittycat Paris Hilton was photographed with a while back? Bitch let it get squished in the road like Phil Leotardo's head. [Page Six]
  

• Christina Aguilera might be enceinte! Her theoretical zygote can have playdates with Nicole Richie's maybe-fetus! [Page Six]
  

• Britney is suing the Florida radio station that put up a billboard suggesting she's bonkers. [TSG]
  

• Nicole Richie "fueled those pregnancy rumors by declining alcohol" at a party the other night. People. Come on. You don't have to be a Star magazine certified weight-estimator to deduce that that body could not even sustain a tapeworm. [Gatecrasher, 3rd item]
  

• Tina-lauding reached new heights at Tina Brown's book party, but Isaac Mizrahi's compliment takes the lo-cal cake: "She's like a role model for me right now because she's so thin. I mean, not that she was ever big, but you know she's kind of at that crucial moment, where she could go one way or the other and she kind of looks amazing. So that's a real inspiration for all of us." Thinspiration! [NYO]
  

• While Paris Hilton is busily shaking off her ditzy party-gal image with God's help, her dad is trying to convince various Las Vegas clubs to host her jail homecoming party. [Page Six]
  

• Paris Hilton called Barbara Walters collect from jail, kicking off her campaign of image rehabilitation with confessions like "I used to act dumb. That act is no longer cute." Omg, it was all an act! [ABC]
  

• Ok, so! Paris Hilton has to return to court at 9 a.m. PST because prosecutors are holding sheriff's officials in contempt for releasing her early from jail. And here's some fun ammo: "It isn't wise to keep a person in jail with her problem over an extended period of time and let the problem get worse," Sheriff Lee Baca says. Hmm and eww! [AP]
  

• He's cute, okay, but he's no Brad Pitt. [People]
  

• Kristian Laliberte and his "frenemy" Paul Johnson-Calderon are "in talks with several networks" to do a reality show that will be "a combination of The Hills and The Simple Life." [NYO]
  

• HuffPo planet-lover Laurie David apparently could not take any more of Larry David's wacky antics. (Tardy! We divorced him last season.) [Page 6]
  

• E! offers Dina Lohan the chance to screw up her remaining kids for your viewing pleasure. [Page Six]
  

• Reminder: Monday is Paris Hilton Goes To Jail Day! [R&M]
  

• The invite to Nicole Richie's Memorial Day bash said that "no girls over 100 lbs" would be allowed in, but she was just kidding about that! Except not actually kidding. Okay, kidding! [People]
  

• The Daily News tracks Lindsay Lohan's decline via family snapshots! Dina Lohan's 1986 hair is the best news we've read today. [NYDN]
  

Last week, in a frenzy of streamlining, we killed the morning gossip roundup. Well, we were crazy! Now back by popular demand!

• John Mayer and Jessica Simpson are still having breakup sex. [Page Six]
  

• Semi-former publicist Dan Klores gets his biannual Page Six movie promotion item. His new doc, "Crazy Love," has a premiere at the Beekman tomorrow. (Except the movie actually is good.) [NYP]
  

• Anne Heche's soon to be ex claims that the actress is "delusional" and shouldn't be given full custody of their kid. Heche's lawyers fired back a statement claiming that the former cameraman just wants more of Heche's money. It's all so Federline-Spearsy! [TMZ]