· Comedy Central keeps Dave Chappelle on basic cable with a shitload of cash, a share in his DVD sales, and picture deals with the net's sister company, Paramount. It's a lot harder for absurdly well-coiffed Viacom co-pres Les Moonves to pull any of that CSI-style firing stuff when it's called Chappelle's Show. We will refrain from adapting any of Chappelle's Rick James catch phrases to humiliate Moonves, who can destroy any of us with just a thought. [THR]
· Don't fuck with Mike Ovitz: Former employee Cathy Schulman asks for $4 million in a wrongful termination lawsuit, ends up having to pay him $3.6 mil. [Variety, sub. req'd.]

· In the crime of the century, former FX employee accused of wiretapping the cable network's offices in order to monitor the weekly executive staff meetings at FX. Oh, to be a fly on the wall listening to basic cable power brokers! "Should we go with the muffler ad or the one for the falafel shop at the act break of that Ally McBeal rerun? Fuck it, I'm feeling a little crazy. We're going with Cerritos Shoe Repair!" [THR]
· More Like 20 Acres and a Medium-Sized Dog: Spike Lee's 40 Acres and a Mule production company undergoes "tactical retrenchment," closing their L.A. offices and downsizing in their Brooklyn headquarters. We're sure the problems are temporary, as cinematic masterwork She Hate Me fills Lee's pockets with fresh capital. [THR]
· Keira Knightley signs on for action thriller Domino, based on the life of Ford model turned bounty hunter Domino Harvey. Hopefully, New Line Cinema will accept the lovely actress just as she is and refrain from Photoshopping a pair of stripper tits onto Knightley's one-sheet. [THR]
· Variety sums up the dorktastic Comic-Con's industry appeal with a pair of extremely cute, rhyming headlines: "Geek chic" and "H'wood corrals nerd herd." [Variety, sub. req'd]

We hear that after months of chatter about his usefulness to flop-eriffic Paramount Pictures, co-president Tom Jacobson is getting the boot. (We smell a "Jacobson ankles Par" headline in Variety coming any minute now. We do so love those.) Paramount's remaining co-president Donald DeLine supposedly announced the reshuffling in a staff meeting today, and rumor has it that head of production Karen Rosenfelt may be getting bumped up. Jacobson may play out the string on his contract by producing a couple of dead-end projects. You know, what usually happens when an exec is put out to pasture.

· Fox No, 2 Peter Chernin sets up shop inside Rupert Murdoch's duodenum for another five years. Really, residence in Murdoch's intestinal tract really isn't as bad as it sounds. It's got a hot tub, a on-call masseuse, and a roll of microfilm detailing Dick Cheney's plans for world domination. [THR]
· Viacom co-president/eventual Moonves victim Tom Freston reorganizes the conglom and reassigns duties previously performed by former bigwig Jonathan Dolgen. Freston's discovering that he really has a facility with the cat o' nine tails, and is keeping that ex-Dolgen job for himself. [THR]
· Paul Bettany is in negotiations to star as Harrison Ford's nemesis in the Warner Bros thriller The Wrong Element. The role of Harrison Ford's nemesis has previously been played by Gary Oldman, David Schwimmer, poor script choices, and tequila. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Fox adds 10 more episodes of mommy-swapping trainwreck Trading Spouses, announces that it won't rest until it's crushed every remaining American nuclear family on reality television. [THR]

· Rush Hour hack Brett Ratner attached to direct secret, as-yet-unwritten comedy for Sony. We hope it's a romantic comedy about an overmatched video director whose tennis-star girlfriend has thighs bigger than his waist. [Variety, sub. req'd/]
· Amish in the City momentarily lifts sort-of newtork UPN out of ratings obscurity. Ratings should really go nuts when producers introduce the kids to the big city wonders of the stripper pole and crack cocaine, both hard to come by back on the farm. [THR]

· More on the Ben Affleck DNC watch: Affleck comes out against "runaway production." He's so upset that American movies are being shot outside of our borders that he admits to taking less money to keep productions in California, but stops just short of pledging a messy suicide the next time he sees a Canadian pushing a dolly. "It's criminal...It makes me sick. I can't stand it..." [THR]
· Rebecca Romijn-Stamos to star as Ben Affleck's cheating wife in the "Hollywood lives are so much more interesting than yours, Joe Fucking Sixpack in Skokie" drama Man About Town. Political activist Affleck is a part-time actor when his Washington schedule allows. [THR]

· The industry is on pace to top last summer's box office grosses, setting new records for both box office receipts and actual admissions. Hollywood can't be stopped! We've done this to ourselves: even mega-bomb Catwoman makes $17 million in the first week. Next weekend Fox will empty a dump-truck full of elephant shit into the local megaplex and it will do around $15 mil, just from people trying to see what "all the fuss is about." [THR]
· Billy Bob Thornton to star in comedy Mr. Woodcock. Now that Thornton is set, casting kicks into high gear to find his love interest, Ms. Splintersnatch. [THR]

· George Lucas tosses a piece of raw meat to the Comic Con's pack of salivating nerds, announcing the title of the last Star Wars installment: Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. The overheated superfans then returned to their hotel rooms, regretting that they hadn't included easy-access panels in the crotches of their Boba Fett and Darth Vader costumes. [THR]

The LAT examines pocket-sized DreamWorks head Jeffrey Katzenberg's hidden motives in taking their animation wing public. Says an analyst, "He wants to show Eisner what a mistake he made." The jilted Katzenberg's quarter-of-a-billion-dollar lawsuit against Disney wasn't enough to get Eisner's attention, and 'lil Jeff's appearance below Mike's window holding a boombox blasting "In Your Eyes" was similarly ineffective, so he's resorting to an IPO. This time Eisner will notice, and he'll beg for Jeff to come back after seeing the first two projects on the DreamWorks Animation development slate: I Miss My Lion King and Shrek 3: Mike, I'm Lost Without Your Spooning.

In-house statistician Andrew Krucoff takes two of Hollywood's obsessions, box office dollars and the height of its stars, and translates them into a chart that even we can understand. Click on the above chart to see the full version, which includes separate breakdowns for Hollywood's all-time earners (per picture) and for some of Young Hollywood's up-and-comers. Mike Myers may be a mere 5' 8", but can swing his realtively meager inches with admirable box-office potency, while Leo translates his stature to money with the worst efficiency. Krucoff explains methodology:

· DreamWorks and Paramount win bidding war for Transformers. THR's excellent synopsis of the movie that will move unthinkable numbers of toys: "The Transformers are divided into two groups of robots, one led by Optimus Prime, who believes in tolerance and the sanctity of life, the other by Megatron, who espouses survival of the fittest and the extermination of biological life." Kids will clamor to wield the Darwinist Megatron handgun! [THR]
· NBC replaces chemistry-free Joeypilot love interest Ashley Scott with slumming stage actress Andrea Anders. We hope some of her theater background prepares her for the crackling sexual chemistry that probably won't be acted upon until the first ratings dip. [THR]

In early June, Viacom president Mel Karmazin quit after losing a power struggle with mummified CEO Sumner Redstone and was replaced by twin-headed, executive glamour dragon Les Moonves and Tom Freston. Today's LAT reports that Karmazin's golden parachute was $35.4 million, an amount the LAT characterizes as "generous." Before we get too outraged, let's all remember that Disney once paid Michael Ovitz $109 million (with original reports of $140 million) to fuck off. Nope, we don't feel any better. What do we get to burn down?

· SEC filings from the planned DreamWorks Animation IPO reveal salaries of top execs. And scrumptiously bite-sized Jeffrey Katzenberg was paid...nothing in 2003! Maybe his unusual compensation package of a walk-in closet full of elevator shoes and stature-enhancing funhouse mirrors isn't subject to government regulation? Oh. He gets $20 mil in stock options, too. [THR]
· Fuck you, Entourage: Showtime gives its original series Huff a second season pick up four months before it airs. [THR]
· Composer Jerry Goldsmith dead at 75. Guys, this is breaking news? The recent spate of zombie movies notwithstanding, we're pretty sure he'll still be dead when you go to press tonight. [Variety, sub. req'd]
· Will Ferrell to host USC School of Film and Television 75th Anniversary Gala, which will be produced by Steven Spielberg and Brian Grazer. Hey, did you hear about the dead composer? [THR]

· DreamWorks wants a cash injection, but after a search between Spielberg's sofa cushions failed to turn up enough capital, they've decided to sell public stock in their animation wing. If that doesn't work, look for the studio to slap a pair of stilettos on the diminutive-yet-surprisingly-sultry Jeffrey Katzenberg and "open up a new revenue stream" at a Hollywood fetish club. [THR]

· HBO's Entourage snagged a second season pick-up before the first episode even aired. Young Hollywood just can't stop blowing itself, and won't have to for another year! [THR]
· Fox Drama drama: Quan Phung to 20th TV Comedy, Peter Johnson to hang with McG, Ted Gold escapes from Spelling TV to take his place, Susan Levison upped to VP. We can't follow any of that either, and we passed out from boredom halfway through typing it. [THR]
· Heather Graham rolls into an 8 episode arc on Scrubs, playing a psychiatrist whose "personal life will be a train wreck." We love it when actors really stretch themselves. [THR]
· Let Bill Gates entertain you. Microsoft looks to monopolize technology in Hollywood with the appointment of former Universal Television & Networks chairman Blair Westlake. [Ed. note—Did his parents get his name from the Big Baby Book Of Gay Porno Names?] Blair's primary responsibility will be strong-arming the entertainment industry into one-sided "partnerships" with Microsoft. [Variety, sub. req'd.]

· Ankled! Director Joe Carnahan tossed off Mission: Impossible 3 for "creative differences." He probably wanted to depart from the first two installments and insisted that the movie have a logical plot. [Variety. sub. req'd.]
· At Sunday's TCA's, world-domination candidate Les Moonves said he'll fight the FCC's titty fines—to the death! Our money is on Moonves. When he passes from the mortal plane, his teeth will remain to destroy his enemies. [THR]

Sunday's LAT tells us Disney's apparent answer to Harvey Weinstein's recent threats to leave Miramax to head another studio: See ya! We like your brother Bob better. They'd prefer to let Harvey hit the bricks and keep Bob running Dimension Films. Says a Merrill Lynch analyst, "From Disney's perspective, it's a great compromise. Having one Weinstein is better than having none."

Variety Headline Forcing Us To Contemplate How Exactly A Basic Cable Network Might Get A Short Haircut, A Rosie O'Donnell Fan Club Membership, And An Active Interest In The LPGA:

When Harvey Weinstein gathers his Miramax underlings for a little chat, they usually expect to wind up naked and on the bottom of an Abu Ghraib-style prisoner pile, as Harv snaps on some rubber gloves. This time, we hear that Weinstein addressed his staff yesterday with some non-specific news about his future, addressing recent/much-discussed/published rumors that he's halfway out the door already. One scenario (which we like to call "what's probably going to happen") involved him bagging Disney-owned Miramax and leaving behind brother Bob to continue on with Dimension Films.

· AMPAS says no more negativity in Oscar campaigns. Related: Harvey Weinstein fires ad team commissioned for series of full-page "Spider-Man Fucks Babies" spots in the trades. [THR]
· Pink slips on the set of CSI. Supporting actors George Eads and Jorja Fox are the sacrificial lambs in a salary debate, serving as an example to other castmembers that hey, this show is about visual effects and death, you can be replaced. This is not a joke: We heard that Eads wasn't "making a statement," he just overslept his morning call. Time for an alarm clock, Georgie! [THR]
· Business mogul/doily-pushing ice-queen Martha Stewart gets 5 months in prison, but Gawker gets the tea towel. (Actually, we got one too! Thanks, Smoking Gun!) [THR]
· First Paramount, now this. Val Kilmer has been brought on to play Moses in the upcoming musical The Ten Commandments. Show opens in Hollywood first, where Kilmer can uses his Method-derived Moses powers to part the urinating homeless on his way to work. [Variety, sub.req'd]
· Four young agents at UTA sent packing. Sure, we knew last night, but we have priorities. [THR]