—That white tiger did a pretty good job on Roy using only what God gave him. But imagine what might have happened to Father of the Pride if the tiger had gotten his paws on a handgun.
—Plushy-loving sister site Fleshbot takes an in-depth look at the intersection between mainstream celebrity and the porn world. Specifically a one-night intersection of a Wayans brother and porn star Mari Possa. Be careful, ladies of the adult entertainment world, you know what they say: Sleeping with one Wayans is like sleeping with them all. [NSFW]
—One of Kevin Federline's kids is surprisingly precocious, e-mailing her mom about her day with her evil step-Britney.
—Dogs can shoot guns, they can walk on their hind legs in movies—how long until one of these amazin' mutts winds up engaged to Britney Spears?

1. See how the movie industry has depicted your favorite city (hey, at least pretend L.A.'s your favorite city for the duration of this item, Mr. Frustrated East Coaster) on-screen in Los Angeles Plays Itself tonight at the Egyptian Theatre. Our pals over at LA.com are hosting the event and practically promise a blogger fist-fight over the film's sometimes controversial opinions. How can you afford to miss that?
2. Celebrate "the current popularity and success of women's sports" at the opening of the "Game Face" photography exhibit at USC's Fisher Gallery. Or, if you're Tom Cruise, maybe stop by to look for some extremely fit movie premiere dates.
3. And as if we needed to tell you, the second season of The Apprentice starts tonight. Watch as 18 greedy, fame-mongering zombies suck each other's upwardly-mobile blood for the opportunity to get a close-up look at the thing that died on top of Donald Trump's head. This, of course, is a ringing endorsement. Our TiVos are set.

It's rare for a book launch to ever be truly fun, but then again, it's also rare for a book launch to employ the entertainment of a ukelele player named Bratwurst. When Bratwurst wasn't singing about toddler poop, dead clowns, and chicken-fucking, everyone enjoyed ample amounts of booze and no one broke a single thing. Cintra Wilson, author of Colors Offensive To Nature, pranced about in antlers and platform hooves and no one, apparently, got accosted in the bathrooms. Sounds like a successful night! After the jump, images by staff photographer Eliot Shepard on the scene at Bellwether Gallery, documenting what was perhaps the World's First Entertaining Book Party.

—Check out the guns on Tom Cruise's latest infatuation. This highly-public (but ultimately failed) romantic overture ought to finally put all of those nasty rumors to bed.
—It's a struggle not to link the Fug girls every day in the Short Ends. Today, Ellen Barkin gets the business. Have these cold, fashion-vivisecting ladies forgotten about Sea of Love?
—L.A. journo Cathy Seipp recounts her experiences with the "famously difficult" Nikki Finke in the National Review Online. We particularly love the bit where Finke pretends they've never met.
—Writer/blogger Daniel Radosh proves that he can be bought. His price? Some pictures of hot, naked twins. The Movement must continue without him.
—The Employee of the Month blog rounds up today's seemingly-random spate of Nicole Kidman news. In all fairness, a sandwich might ruin her career.

1. Check out the Kaiju Big Battel at Avalon tonight. Think strange robots and creatures from bad-sci movies wrestling in outer space. Also, you're really high. If that kind of thing doesn't float your boat, you can always sneak upstairs to the Spider Club and watch Lindsay Lohan make out with Fez.
2. Comedian D.L. Hughley joins the Planned Parenthood and National Poetry Slam Champion Sekou (tha misfit) for "Slam the Vote" at the Village at Ed Gould Plaza. Another voting event? We thought that the election was last week. But since there will probably be buckets full of free birth control at this one, we’re there.
3. Tonight's main event: Vanilla Ice at the Knitting Factory for FREE. Well, it's not entirely free. That little piece of your soul that you'd sacrifice in the name of ironic enjoyment has some value. Then again, getting to yell "Word to your mother!" at the top of your lungs over and over again might be worth it.

Normally, we limit our PrivacyWatch feature to celebrity sightings in the L.A. area. But when we hear about Jack Black, King Kong, and a very special subset of wrestling from a reader all the way in New Zealand, we'll certainly make an exception.

Sightings are sent in by eagle-eyed readers; send yours to tips@gawker.com.

Can someone please explain what is up with the Calvin Klein billboard on Houston? Is it about people crawling from the primordial ooze and discovering rimming? So confused.

—Wrong-coasted sister site Gawker nearly blows the lid off a "Brad Pitt in rehab story." But who really knows what the abdominizing man from the "Hey, What Am I Smelling Right Now?" school of acting does with his downtime on movie sets?
—What happens when two heiresses are born into incredible wealth, but only one is gifted with actual talent? Find out as Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Paris Hilton face off at GorillaMask [via Adrants]
—CulturePulp's Michael Russell interviews cult-of-celebrity übersbitchslapper Cintra Wilson for the Bookslut blog.
—"Exhausted but Proud, Hugh Jackman Retires His Sequins" reads the NYT headline. Exactly what is the Gray Lady trying to say about the dancin' and singin' Broadway boy?
—A suspect Britney Spears panty flash, courtesy of the knuckle-shuffling batallion at Fleshbot.

1. See Paris Hilton in a book store—and not the kind that employ an army of stand-by moppers and have quarter-powered peek-a-boo booths in the back. Paris will sign her autobiography, Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue-in-Chic Peek Behind the Pose, at the Brentano’s in Century City. We're pretty sure that title has more words in it than she has in her vocabulary, but it doesn't really take a talented writer to scribble her name.
2. The Silversun Pickups begin their free Tuesday night residency at the Echo for the month of September. Head on over and confirm that hipsters will see the same show week after week as long as there's no cover charge.
3. The Los Angeles International Short Film Festival kicks off tonight at the ArcLight. Good: Director Bryan "I'm doing the new Superman" Singer will be in attendance to receive an award. Better: Short films require a fraction of the attention span of feature-length festival entries.

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our eagle-eyed readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com and let your favorite sitcom star know that you know he wears sweatpants to eat at The Ivy.

—Awful Plastic Surgery reverses course on Jessica Simpson's cleavage, which was once lauded on Good Plastic Surgery. Here's to good boob jobs gone bad!
—Madonna enacts a personal Blahnik embargo after Manolo made disparaging remarks about her acting abilities. If only he'd shot off his mouth about Sarah Jessica Parker's dramatic chops, maybe that debacle that was Sex and the City could have been avoided. Please, no pro-SATC e-mails. By the time you read this, we'll be in Mexico. [via BWE]
—Separated at birth: Unhinged, aspiring duelist/Democratic turncoat Zell Miller and Emperor Palpatine?
—The WOW Report gets Vincent Gallo's John Hancock all over their overpriced Brown Bunny book.
—Cinemocracy reviews the last six months in the intersection of Hollywood and politics. We would've liked more angry pirate talk, but we're admittedly a little fixated these days.

Friday
1. God save your eternal soul if you'd actually attend this MTV Casting Party, but we're passing it along just in case you're a struggling actor looking to get some reality TV face time. Who says we never did anything for you?
2. All Gallo, all the time: The director himself will be on hand at the Nuart for screenings of The Brown Bunny. See you there, controversial on-screen sex acts enthusiasts!
Saturday
3. Hairspray’s run at the Pantages ends this weekend. Go and experience the last time you can see people applauding a fat girl dancing in L.A. anywhere outside of West Hollywood or Jumbo's Clown Room.
4. If VH1’s Behind the Music was an art exhibit, it would be Justin Goldberg's A&Rt.
Sunday
5. Mark Farina @ A.D… because you can stay up all night and not have to work tomorrow. A three-day weekend means more time to shake off your Blue Monday.
Monday
You've been really busy this weekend. How about sleeping in and trying to forget that you'll soon return to the soul-crushing monotony of the work week?

We'd like to take a second to thank this week's sponsors, whose support has allowed us to upgrade from the tequila that causes temporary blindness to the one that merely makes our problems temporarily go away. To learn more about how to reach the greatest readers in the history of the technological interweb, see this.

↑ Republicans may not be cool, but they can certainly get laid.
↑ We accost Henry J. Stern, Evan Thies, Michael Bates, Dan Garodnick, and Steve Brodner.
↑ Star magazine is back to doing what we love them for: unabashed Olsen-hunting.
↑ What sort of people are willing to "hate-fuck" a visiting Republican? Vanity Fair writers, we assume.
↑ We venture inside the convention and find it to be just as freakish as we imagined.
↑ Elisabeth Kieselstein-Cord appalls us, then wins us over with her insane diatribe.
↑ Bloodshed amongst the leggers! Page Six's Chris Wilson spits on the Daily News' Hudson Morgan, finally making a GOP function mildly entertaining.
↑ Paris Hilton sells retail. How horribly blue-collar.
↑ Media smackdown! Maer Roshan to mud-wrestle Bill O'Reilly!
↑ We discover Paris Hilton for the big-handed freak she is.
↓ The Time Warner Media Party sucks.
↓ Related: the Bush twins' "R" party sucks.
↓ Someone gets pissy about media freebies. Oh, boo hoo. Too little, too late!
↓ The MTV Video Music Awards fail to shock or disgust us — we're so disappointed.
↓ Friendster Magazine is announced and we collectively shake our heads in shame.
↓ Wenner Media's desk checks are next week! Prepare thyself for master Jann!
↓ Foxy Brown goes postal over a $35 manicure.
↓ MediaBistro Editor-in-Chief Jesse Oxfeld runs for dear life.
↓ NY Post headlines descend further into a shame spiral.

Sightings are provided by readers; send yours to tips@gawker.com.

A word of thanks to this week's advertisers, whose support pays for all of our habits. More info here.

—Dubious Britney Spears ABC Gum Auction Mania Sweeps World! Breaking! Oh, yeah, this is old news. Wake us when the Tampax hits eBay, OK?
—Hottest trend in music videos: depicting scenes from your own life. Britney's already been there, so are we surprised to see Lindsay Lohan jumping on the bandwagon?
—Paris rolled out her junk jewelry on Amazon, so now Nicky Hilton must inflict her clothing line on unsuspecting fashion victims. When will this tiresome one-upskankship end? When Tara Reid endorses designer birth control?
—Bring your baby to the movies...and pray that it doesn't choke on popcorn and die. Or, you know, maybe you've got too many kids and don't want to pray so hard. It's a free country.

1. If you hurry, you can still make it over today to the annual Pit 91 Excavation (going on now through Sept 12th) at the La Brea Tar Pits. You'll see the kinds of Hollywood fossils that don't spend all day calling their agents to commiserate about how there are no good parts for women over 40.
2. Gain a deeper appreciation of Lindsay Lohan by checking out second-rate jailbait actress/pop-star Hilary Duff at the Arrowhead Pond. We know you're really not going to do it, but time is running out to experience Duff before she winds up wasting her days getting drunken rubdowns at the Four Season with Tara Reid.
3. Tonight's Main Event: Watch Vincent Gallo squeeze the bottom of the publicity tube to further promote The Brown Bunny. He'll be at Agnes B. to sign a book of still photos from the movie (i.e., pictures of him receiving a blowjob). Suggest you'll help Gallo up the cinematic ante by offering to do anal in his next film, or try to get him to sign all over Chloe Sevigny's face in the photos. Endless Defamer love to anyone who sends in a report from this event.

Confession: We've been missing Ben Affleck a little bit. When a tabloid favorite like 'Ffleck drops out of the headlines for a while, we always jump to the worst conclusions: some kind of disastrous backyard whirlpool accident that will only be discovered by the pool boy days later, a three-week bender at the Palms, or a secret location shoot for Gigli 2 with the entire original cast. Luckily, a reader spotted him this morning at a WeHo Coffee Bean, just bein' Affleck. We just wish that our spotter's Hollywood training hadn't prevented us from finding out what had Ben so excited. Sobriety? The recent Red Sox resurgence? A big victory on his "Eating Babies for Kerry" tour? We suppose we'll never know.