· Poor Dennis Rodman. Put out to pasture, now he's dishing on having done Madonna and marketing a "sexual enhancement spray." Very Vanilla Ice. [NYDN]
· Christian Dior Paris show goes wrong: Karolina Kurkova takes a runway header, the clothing was wackjob, and models threw up. Oh wait, upchucking models is a good thing. [NYP]
· Our personal role model Traci Lords is back on TV where she belongs! Whoo! [NYDN]
· Former 'Access Hollywood' nightmare Pat O'Brien to anchore170 hours of Olympics coverage? What's next, E! gossip columnist Ted Casablanca covering the Democratic Convention? Or worse? [NYP]
· Marlon Brando gay sex pics to come to light! (Don't be alarmed — they're of 30-year-old Brando, not recent Brando.) [NYDN]

Defamer's Friday night trip to a local, dive-y karaoke bar evolved into an impromptu concert by actors Jason Schwartzman (Rushmore, etc.) and girlfriend Zooey Deschanel (Elf, etc.). Deschanel (along with less famous actress pal Samantha Shelton) treated the crowd, chiefly compromised of a drunken birthday party, to a fantastic rendition of karaoke staple "Bette Davis Eyes." (Seriously, the girl's got incredible pipes—she did her own vocal work in Elf.) Less successful was their group's attempt at Billy Joel's "Moving Out," as Schwartzman and an unidentified male pal's, ahem, untrained voices didn't quite match the gal's harmonies. Remember when Schwartzman was the drummer for Phantom Planet? There's a reason he was hitting things with sticks instead of fronting the band. We're just sayin'. (Please, no e-mails from PP fans touting Schwartzman's vocal abilities. We heard what we heard.)

· Bottomless girl found passed out in former Hamptons mag head Randy Schindler's bedroom. Uh, could all of you who have passed out drunk and naked in the Hamptons raise your hands? Exactly. Welcome to the club, sister. [NYP]
· Vin Diesel has slept with women! [V.V.]
· Russell Simmons and Kid Rock argue about Fahrenheit 9/11. Finally we're hearing from the meaningful critics. [NYDN]
· Gerard Depardieu making a fortune off Cuban oil wells? Wha? [NYP]
· Preggers Liv Tyler passes out in Nantucket, with Marky Mark, whose blank was so blank he could blank it. [NYDN]

—No young starlet escapes the plastic surgeon's knife, not even Mandy Moore. Our faith in seemingly wholesome pop-stars-turned-actresses finally shaken.
—There is perhaps no sadder sight that the Smoking Gun's presentation of Ferris Bueller's principal's arrest card for failing to register as a sex offender. Sigh. What's next, Cameron exposing himself in front of a Catholic girls' school?
—Fleshbot double-feature: Ashley Judd sends her goodies into the public domain and a referral to the Bulge Report. Sample: "Matt LeBlanc, 7" when soft, cut, "thick as a beer can." Thanks, we really needed to stop drinking beer anyway.
—Real estate in brief: Marilyn Manson is moving to the Valley. Watch for Manson and his porno neighbors to throw the greatest housewarming party in history. [reg. req'd.]

Recent gossip indicates that hardy members of the B-List are successfully climbing towards the A-List. Frankly, we're shocked that man-friendly towel-boy Fabian Basabe can still get his name in the papers.

News, trends, and buzz from the week gone by.

Thanks to this week's sponsor, whose support keeps us from a life of copy-editing "For Your Consideration" ads for Variety. For information on advertising on Defamer, read this.

· J.Hurl: Jennifer Lopez used to get out of sex with ex-hubbie Ojani Noa by pretending to puke. [NYP]
· Porn found in Neverland Ranch!!! Dear God! Pictures of naked ladies! [NYDN]
· David Lee Roth is apparently also taking helicopter lessons, as well as training to be an EMT. What up? Is Roth heading up his own Al Qaeda cell? [NYP]
· Inspirational "Father Joe" author's daughter claims he sexually molested her. Well, there goes that bazillion-dollar best-seller. [NYDN (2nd item)]
· The urchins at the Met crave Bank of America's money. [NYP]
· Page Six's insane obsession with Russian heiress Anna Anisimova continues — Anna's dad forces her to pull out of Social Life profile spread! What daring escapade will the teen non-trendsetter find herself involved in next? [NYP]

—Perhaps Michael Moore doesn't really want you to download Fahrenheit 9/11.
—Celebrity Drunk Driving: It's not just for Hasselhoff anymore.
—Spider-Man 2 makes the biggest shitload of money in the history of opening days.
—Big day at Star magazine: They discover both Friendster and that Tara Reid is a little trampy.
—In case you were wondering what happened to the guessing game, this week's blind item was way too obvious for us to bother.
—Maybe Drudge was wrong about Tobey's bulge. Here's an old, probably doctored and definitely disturbing pic. [NSFW]

This morning, the incredibly helpful Norton Anti-Virus stopped an electronic menace from penetrating into our computer. Whatever behind-the-scenes voodoo the program employs to keep us safe from viruses also had the unpleasant side effect of destroying virtually all of the e-mail we've received in the last two months. So if you sent us a message in the last couple of days and we haven't responded, there's a chance it wasn't personal. Feel free to resend your recent tips, hate-mail, and urgent pleas for assistance in recovering your offshore fortunes.

Please pardon typos, hideous sentences, and all sorts of messiness here today. This is the first week in which your trusty editor doesn't have a day job. We had no idea that the life of a freelancer involved so much A) watching porn and B) trying not to piss off the popular skanks in town (too late!) and C) cramming for finals at the last minute.

The following flagrant abuse of Craigslist's Missed Connections should effectively halt all sexual activity within a thirty-foot radius of any web browser displaying this page:

—Los Angeles: seventh best city for singles, but maintains stranglehold on number one ranking for casting-couch salad-tossings.
—"Marketing a la Michael Moore (Serves half of a polarized electorate)...Ingredients: 1 heaping dose of controversy/ 1 1/2 villains (colorful preferred)/ 1/2 cup of audience naivety"
—Nicole Kidman says that it's hard for her, a single mother, to find a mate. She just needs to do what all the kids in Hollywood are doing: get knocked up and back into a quickie wedding. Simplicity itself. (And if she seems unhealthily skinny to any of you, it's just her hairstyle.)
—Literal real-estate porn: A horny, young Hollywood couple terrorizes area open-houses with their trashy sexcapades.

—"Hey, I've already made enough money from my Bush-baiting, box-office darling polemic. Sure, go ahead and take it for free!" (via BoiFromTroy)
—"Jolly good. Now let's see Mr. Moore dig up some video of Tony Blair playing golf and slaughtering the mother tongue, then we'll have something."
—"Let's see...'Cocaine is a hell of drug.' Yup, got that in. 'I'm Rick James, bitch!' Uh huh, got that one in there. What else does a superfreak gotta do to completely transform himself into a Dave Chappelle parody?"
—"Shit, I told those hookers not to swallow any of that dynamite in my goddamn hottub. Think, man, think! Be cool like you're closing a seven-figure deal at Universal. Fuck, how am I gonna hide the bodies?! Oh...those are just neoprene replicas of genitalia floating in a kiddie pool. No worries." (NSFW)

· Battle of the willowy drink-tossing set: Playmate Nicole Lenz files million-dollar suit against actress/stabber Bijou Phillips and heiress Casey Johnson, alleging that Phillips & Johnson beat her up and are trashing her reputation. Lawyers for Ms. Phillips replied: "We don't make trash, we burn it." [NYDN] nad [NYP]
· Page Six trashes the lying publicists employed by Monica Lewinsky and Vanessa Williams. They'll never eat shit in this town again. [NYP]
· We've already gotten handwritten thank-you notes on Tori Spelling's monogrammed stationery, but the prenup wasn't in place yet??? The wedding is this weekend. [NYP]
· Trump extends patented Trumpergy into Trump magazine, touting scoops of Trump shows, with advertising by Trump water and layouts of general Trumpiness. [NYDN]

—"Kevin: And watch that bling. I ain't going back to Zales if you lose it."
—The "secret" to how a couple of black guys became such dread-inspiring facsimiles of white chicks? The "upper lip," not a bucketful of white paint.
—36-year-old Mira Sorvino marries a 22-year-old actor. We smell a knocking-up!
—It's not our fault Sony is too poor to finally finish off their purchase of MGM. Think MGM will take food stamps, some of those cute electronic dogs, and a couple of Spider-Man 2 lunch boxes to close the deal? [reg. req'd.]

An eagle-eyed reader ID's Disney CEO Michael Eisner at The Grove, observing a throng waiting to get into Fahrenheit 9/11. (For those of you just arriving from a two-month stay in a sensory deprivation tank, it's the movie he wouldn't let Disney-owned Miramax release.)

The following reader report on a brush with Meathead's Erstwhile Bride seems terribly unfair to us. If a celebrity lends the significant weight of her name to a just cause, does that mean she surrenders the right to the prompt claiming of her baggage at the carousel? We think not. For shame, reader.

· Madonna becomes a Jew and immediately a car bomb goes off outside her Manhattan apartment. I tell ya, when she co-opts an identity, she really goes all out. [WEN]
· Rolling Stone daughter Theodora Richards on the allegedly anorexic Mary-Kate Olsen: "But I mean, what about the other one? They're both the same kind of skinny." [NYDN]
· After weeks of rumors, confirmation finally comes on the heroin overdose death of A.R.E. Weapons member Ryan Noel. [NYP]
· Official denials get a corroboration: yes, the film of Jay-Z smacking some chick up is all in play. [NYDN]

· Prepare to shut down midtown, claim no one will be inconvenienced: check.
· Attempt to eliminate ice cream: check.
· Assist feds with installing climate of fear: check.
· Get more whores: check!