· Hipster High s unofficial pep squad, The Go! Team, round out a three-night NYC stand with a set at the Canal Room. Motherfuckers Dave. P and Justine D. host the rah-rah-sis-boom-bah festivities. [Canal Room]
· Henry Rollins is doing his latest spoken word shtick, Caught in the Zipper, at, strangely enough, the Zipper Theatre. Apparently it s the funniest offering from a punk rocker since Sid Vicious teamed with Carol Channing for the largely forgotten 70s variety show Hello Dolly, You Stupid Twat. [Rollins]
· Multimedia artist Nicole Awai discusses her latest work at MOMA s bastard cousin, the Whitney. Remember, just because Awai paints with nail polish doesn t make your Lee Press-Ons some sort of profound artistic statement. [flavorpill]

· Sub Pop darlings The Thermals and SNL funnyman Fred Armisen invade the Knitting Factory for a night of knee slapping, hip shaking goodness. Knitting Factory? Thermals? There s a joke in there somewhere but we re just too gosh darn lazy to find it. [KF]
· Temple Emanu-El is a perennial Saturday morning favorite for scoping out the Hebrew hotties. But tonight, megaclub Temple — God s house of bump & grind — will bring together trend-setters of both the Jew and Gentile variety when it plays host to the afterparty for Paper magazine s Beautiful People issue. Fugly people need not attend. [Temple]
· Prove your artistic bravery at Matthew Bourne's Play Without Words, a stage interpretation of Joseph Losey's film The Servant. Included: choreographed movement and jazz scoring. Not included: any speaking. How'd you guess? [flavorpill]

· While they're still open, CBGB hosts rock showcase How Swede It Is. Ignore the cloying title and check out Deportees, Moneybrother, and other talented unknowns vying for your indie love. Past participants include The Hives and Sahara Hotnights, if you're looking for some sort of cred factor. [flavorpill]
· Get your gay on with The Drama Department's Gershwin fundraiser, hosted by Isaac Mizrahi and Cynthia Nixon. For a mere $500 (benefitting the Theater Collective), you can catch Deborah Harry singing showtunes over cocktails at Lot 61. [NYT]
· It's the end of an era: the last episode — ever — of MTV's The Osbournes airs tonight at 10:30. Watch the dogs shit on the carpet one last time while you wonder if Jack and Kelly can stay sober without the cameras on them. [MTV]

Friday:
· Still weeping like a camel cause you couldn t make it down to SXSW? Take solace in Xiu Xiu s gig at the Knitting Factory tonight. Their sound is both violent and sexual, we hear, so you'll probably enjoy it. [flavorpill]
· Speaking of sex and violence, the Deitch Projects houses overexposed photog Dave LaChapelle s latest retrospective, Artists and Prostitutes — subject matter that we actually give a hoot about, minus the whole artists thing. [Deitch]
· An obviously hungover Van Morrison stumbles into the Apollo tonight. Let s just pray the Sandman steers clear. [Apollo]
Saturday:
· The year was 1991: Bush was president, Kirstie Alley was huge, and a horde of tweaked out clubs kids were getting jiggy wit it over at Shelter. My, how things haven t changed. Celebrate Shelter s 14th anniversary tonight with a stellar roster of DJs we ve never heard of. [Shelter]
· The Allman Brothers Band, or what s left of them, nearly brings to an end the never-ending annual Beacon run tonight. Who knows, you just might catch the 34,872 performance of Whipping Post. [ABB]
Sunday:
· Wanna make a quick buck? Head on down to Coney Island for the season opening of Astroland, ride the Cyclone three or four times, and then sue for whiplash. You ll be flaunting ice from Jacob & Co. in no time. [Astroland]

· Proof that Marquee is the 5th ring of the inferno: Ashlee Simpson shares a banquette with her family while simultaneously making out with a member of her band (d'ya think Daddy watched?), Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore canoodle near Chelsea Clinton, and Mario Vazquez stalks Jessica Simpson for a photo-op. [Page Six]
· Securities lawyer Ted Farris (writing under the last name Morgan) has a new book proclaiming Donald Trump is a lowlife. His source is Kate Bohner, but Bohner issues denials. Something else might've happened, but then we fell asleep. Oh, wait, Lloyd is back in the office! [Lowdown]
· R. Kelly's the victim — no, wait, Jay Z's the victim. Or is "Ty-Ty" the victim? Where the fuck are we? [Page Six]
· Everyone hates Andrew Lloyd Webber. [R&M]

· Finally, NYC's best Irish pubs to get your drink on, if you can still get through the door. As it's amateur hour out there, we'd like to note that if you can't get your drunk ass laid tonight, you likely never will. [Gridskipper]
· Everyone knows the meathead in the striped button-down shirt: "My boys are coming out with me tonight! They all have striped shirts too! I figure we ll kick off the night with some Golden Tee! I am going to smack the shit out of that little white ball!" [The Phat Phree]
· A pretty celebrity does not a sports column make. Exhibit A: Ashley Judd. [Kentucky.com]
· Searching for a Gannon, and any ol' Gannon will do. [Washington Socialites]

· On Radian, who play at Tonic tonight, Flavorpill notes: "Neither jazz, dub, electronic, nor rock, this electro-acoustic trio's gray-scale abstraction sculpts a wholly engrossing sound field in which subtle musical incidents advance, retreat, and mutate to stunning, and frequently menacing, effect." Jesus fucking Christ, someone get us a cigarette. But yeah, um, Radian play at Tonic tonight. [flavorpill]
· Three editors, a book agent, and an author convene at Coliseum Books tonight for "Getting Published: What You Need to Know." Here's what they'll say: No matter what your parents and roommates tell you, if it hasn't happened yet, now's a good time to pick a different career objective. Or career. [Coliseum]
· Early 90's throwback band Slint play three shows with Gang Gang Dance at Irving Plaza. Tonight's appearance is the only one not sold out. Do with this information what you will. [Irving Plaza]

· Evidently, the city of Venice is slowly sinking or something. Who knew? The filmakers of The Venetian Dilemma, that's who. They talk about their movie, which catalogues the battle between local opposing interests about what's best for the city, at Film Forum tonight. [flavorpill]
· Daily Show writers and New Yorker cartoonists display their stuff that didn't quite make the cut at the Rejection Show tonight. No, those doodles you drew on your TPS report last week don't qualify you for participation. [PS122]
· Non-Brazilian outfit Brazilian Girls perform at Bowery Ballroom tonight. Go check out the hype! Oh yeah, they were written about in the New York Times art section last week. Be faster next time, sucker. [BB]

· Write about what you know, they say. And by "they," we mean "real writers." No surprise, then, that former Larry Flynt Publications copyeditor Lydia Millet has a new book out about an alcoholic pornographer and a religious fundamentalist. She reads at Stain Bar in Billyburg tonight. [flavorpill]
· Do you care about social security? Neither do we, it's for poor people. Oh, wait, we're totally poor. Shit. We should listen to Times columnist Paul Krugman and Michael Tanner of the CATO Institute talk about whether or not a Social Security crisis is on the horizon. Betcha can guess where this one is headed. [SS]
· Ashlee Simpson sings — or doesn't sing, as the case may be — at Hammerstein Ballroom tonight. Oh, just get drunk and go. You know you want to. But don't expect us not to point and laugh. [Paper]

· Welsh fake ghetto rap crew Goldie Lookin' Chains scored their breakout single with "Guns Don't Kill People, Rappers Do." Headz up, Fiddy and Game. They bring the ruckus with Stanford pretty boy MC Lars tonight at Mercury Lounge. [flavorpill]
· Demetri Martin wants to make you laugh and, if he doesn't, he might cut you. He won the Perrier Award at the Edinburgh Theater Festival, so we assume there'll be no need for violence. He performs tonight at the Upright Citizens Brigade theater. [Upcoming]
· Coldplay JV squad Embrace bring their, um, Coldplay-esque sound tonight to Bowery Ballroom. The lead singer's kid is named Orangina, too. We're not kidding. But oh, how we wish we were. [BB]

Friday:
· Heatherette designers Richie Rich and Traver Rains have a super gay birthday bash at Temple tonight. Oh, go on—you know you want to. Just tell 'em we sent you.
· Former Fez doorman and current writer/raconteur Jonathan Ames headlines a show to bid adeu to his former stomping ground. Evidently, every performance space in this city is shutting down. [Fez]
· UK imports Hood, having bravely survived the 90's, bring their lo-fi electronic sound to the swaying children at the Mercury Lounge. [ML]
Saturday:
· Of "After Hours," a series of art exhibits in Brooklyn that coincide with the Armory Show in Manhatten, Flavorpill comments: "tonight's Brooklyn soiree is really a trans-gallery celebration of artists, filtered through the unique sensibility that is Williamsburg." I guess we missed the memo that said that Pabst cans and yuppie I-bankers now constitute a "unique sensibility." [flavorpill]
· Lost your apartment keys again, darling stoner? Then this is definitely not the contest for you: the U.S. Memory Championships come to the ConEdison building today. Or is it tonight? Where's the cereal? [USAM]
Sunday:
· On March 1st, at 2:33am, "Hashim" of Upcoming.org said: "Atmosphere has new material to perform with? I always like their [sic] shows so I'll be there." Thanks, Hashim! Bowery Ballroom's the place to be — hang with Hashim and hear the white boy rap about love and angst. [Upcoming]

Or New York's, probably. From today's Washington Square News:

· Philly's Diplo, of MIA/Hollertronix fame, takes over Rothko tonight. Is it just us, or should this dude move to New York already? Then he could take up residency in our office. [flavorpill]
· If Random House doesn't want your rambling autobiography, maybe it's time you just published the damn thing yourself. Get some pointers at the Small Press Center, where Get Your War On creator David Rees will let you into the light. [Small Press]
· Did drum 'n bass duo Death From Above 1979 actually meet in jail? Beats us — we're not cool enough to know that kind of thing. We are cool enough, however, to read the listings and see that they do play at Bowery Ballroom tonight. [BB]

· Regular independent cinema just isn't indie enough for you, you fucking snob? You're in luck: the New York Underground Film Festival kicks off today. 15 features, over 110 shorts, and a whole lotta bespectacled Tisch students. [flavorpill]
· Chick lit is soo 2k4: the next installment of the Cupcake reading series takes place tonight at Lolita, featuring comic book authors and illustrators Megan Kelso and Ariel Bordeaux. You can bet there won't be any tales of young, professional women searching for love in the big city. Thank God. [Upcoming]
· Are your bookshelves high on space? Low on pretension? Head on over to Tom Banjo's Warehouse Sale, sponsored by Printed Matter. Thousands of zines, books, records, and videos are all heavily discounted. The limited-edition Ryan McGinness prints, however, are not. [Paper]

· Sarah Morris, widely known for her geometrized renderings of flashy metropoles, gets all US Weekly for her latest work by capturing the surgically-enhanced movie-bots of Los Angeles in Oscar prep-mode. We're pretty sure Harvey Weinstein is not one of these surgically-enhanced movie-bots, but everyone else seems fair game. She speaks at the New School tonight. [flavorpill]
· Going to a Cat Power show is kinda like buying drugs from a sketchy dude in a bathroom stall: total crapshoot. Will she actually perform? Perform well? Freak out? Cancel? $17.50 and a subway ride to Southpaw in Brooklyn and you can find out for yourself. [Southpaw]
· Jonathan Lethem (Fortress of Solitude) and Colson Whitehead (John Henry Days) read today to raise money for the library at P.S. 107 in Brooklyn. Goddamn tryhards. [TONY]

· Go ask Jonathan Demme why Stop Making Sense was so damn awesome and why Silence of the Lambs was so damn creepy at the Steinhardt Building tonight, where he speaks with NY Press film critic Armond White. [92Y]
· Whatever "burlesque slowcore" is, Edison Woods plays it. The music apparently involves violins, synthesizers, and more moodiness than David Lynch on PMS. Head to Joe's Pub and see if this is as odd if it sounds. [flavorpill]
· Hear Lit-friendly band One Ring Zero potentially suck (their words, not ours) at Barbes in Brooklyn, or try to finagle a ticket for Ambulance, LTD and VHS or Beta at Bowery. Either way, you'll be hipper than an Olsen at a thrift store. [One Ring Zero and BB]

Friday:
· Dance, disaffected youth, dance! Or at least nod your asymmetric head to the music like you just don't care. German beat king Triple R provides ample opportunity for both at Subtonic tonight. [flavorpill
· All bling, no rent money? No bling, no rent money? Financial guru Suze Orman discusses her new book, "The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous and Broke," tonight at the Apple store in SoHo. [Apple]
Saturday:
· Check out David Byrne in all his Big White Suite-ed glory at Makor tonight, where Jonathan Demme's Talking Heads concert opus, "Stop Making Sense," plays. [92Y]
· Gregarious gay Michael Musto and Le Tigre member JD Samson lead a panel of judges at Fez for the 5th Annual L.E.S. Pageant. 1,500 applications proclaming hipster supremecy have been whittled down to five finalists: Miss Orchard, Miss Delancey, Miss Rivington, Miss Houston, and Miss Allen. The winner will no doubt wear a crown of Rheingold cans. [fez]
Sunday:
· The Secret Machines certainly aren't a secret anymore. And we still can't write funny jokes. But on a Friday, you really shouldn't expect much. Anyhow, go see them redefine prog rock at Irving Plaza. [flavorpill]

· Go on and unleash your inner riot grrrl (or at least go get on a riot grrrl) at the Sleater-Kinney show tonight at the Mercury Lounge. Smart (if not angry) ladies of all persuasions should be in abundance. [Mercury]
· Postmodernist darling and film director Julian Schnabel (Before Night Falls) gets all self-referential and discusses what it means to be Julian Schnabel at the New York Studio School. Wear your favorite 80's stretch pants! [flavorpill]
· Spelling bee dropout Fabolous and entertainment diva Jennifer Lopez headline Hot 97's "Full Frontal Hip-Hop" show at Hammerstein Ballroom. We'd make a joke about gatt-waving and knife wounds, but that would be rude. [Hot97]

· Dave Eggers-substitute David Rakoff and This American Life contributer Sarah Vowell faceoff against former collegiate cult rock duo They Might Be Giants in the latest installment of McSweeney's vs. TMBG. Somewhere, Tupac and Biggie are watching, totally riveted. [Playbill]
· And the last wave (pun intended, because laughter heals) of tsunami aid trickles in: New York rock mainstay The Fever join some other Brooklyn bands at Crash Mansion on behalf of the Friends of Koh Lanta Fund. [flavorpill]
· If there was ever a reason to tolerate Joan Rivers and her melty face, it would be for charity. She provides exactly that reason (God's Love We Deliver and Guide Dogs for the Blind) at Fez tonight. After today, we promise to never again list a charity event today. We're feeling a little icky. [Fez]

· Everything you ever wanted to know about Andy Warhol but were afraid to ask because people would mock you for being totally uncool: Kenneth Goldsmith, editor of a newly published collection of Warhol interviews, chats with some Warhol biographers and Factory photographer Billy Name at the Kitchen tonight. [flavorpill]
· The man behind French Laundry and Per Se—Thomas Keller—chats with culinary historian Alexandra Leaf tonight at the 92nd Street Y. It'll be sold out by the time you read this, but if you tried, we're pretty sure you could kick Frank Bruni's ass out of his front-row seat. In fact, we encourage it! [92Y]
· For the low price of $39.50 (if you can still swing a ticket), you too can join the masses at Radio City tonight for the Interpol/Blonde Redhead show. Let us know how that goes. [RadioCity]