We've got an immediate and exclusive report of a ruined marriage on the streets of Brooklyn (fyi, we're doing this UK tabloid-style). Academy Award-winner Jennifer Connelly has enraged her husband Paul Bettany while their innocent child looks on; a reader reports on the domestic crisis:

· Kevin Federline's baby mama, Shar Jackson, is telling people that Britney Spears is pregnant. Which surprises us not so much. [Page Six]
· Vote Or Die spokesmodels Paris Hilton, 50 Cent and Ludacris aren't even registered to vote. Let's blame the next four years on these three, okay? [Lowdown]
· SNL alum David Spade dumps Maxim girl Krista Allen for secretly checking his voicemail messages. Because he's the catch, not her. [Page Six]
· Elton John is planning to marry his longtime partner, David Furnish. Not in 11 states, mind you. Scoop]

But that doesn't mean the down-and-out porn czar left the 2nd Avenue Deli without imparting some wisdom:

R&B and hip-hop stars R. Kelly and Jay-Z's ill-fated Best of Both Worlds Tour came to a nasty close on Saturday, as a member of Jay-Z's entourage attacked R. Kelly with pepper spray (we would've done the same thing, just for kicks). Now R. Kelly is suing:

· Celebrity Halloween rundown: same sexy costume schtick, different year. But wait! Chloe Sevigny holds a "Night Of 1000 Morrisseys" party. [Page Six]
· Mel Gibson is considering an adaptation of My Glorious Brothers, a story about the uprising of the Maccabees. We can't wait to see how he makes this one anti-semitic. [Lowdown]
· Kirstie Alley's publicist, when not fending off questions about her client's massive weight gain, once had to wet-nurse Kirstie's baby possum. Can existence get any worse? [Page Six]
· It's a cross-promotional, synergistic wet dream come true: Madonna to model for Versace's spring line? [R&M]

· P.R. hellion Lizzie Grubman gets in trouble again—this time, her driver made an illegal left turn while she sat in the back with a Ghanaian child sans seat belt. No, that's not a misprint. [ELK]
· Conrad Hilton III, first cousin of Rick Hilton, has finally outshamed little Paris and Nicky by drunkenly berating staffers at the New York Hilton and subsequently getting himself banned from the establishment. [Lowdown]
· Bonnie Fuller-bashing is still hot; Page Six receives a six-page email from one of her minions at Star revealing that Bonnie is difficult. Shock and awe, people. [Page Six]
· Rush and Molloy taunt Page Six for lifting an item on drunken Peter O'Toole. [R&M (3rd item)]

· Ashlee Simpson's manager/father Joe Simpson says Ashlee has nothing to worry about after her lip-syncing snafu because, "She didn't expose a boob, she wasn't doing drugs, she isn't anorexic and wasn't getting married in Vegas." Not yet, anyhow. [Page Six]
· Are media outlets ignoring cross-dressing diva RuPaul's new album because he/she's black? Or gay? Or just annoying? [Lowdown]
· Homeless porn mogul Al Goldstein has been fired from the Second Avenue deli; he's staying at a shelter at Bellevue if anyone's interested in hiring him. [Page Six]
· You can rest easy: Lindsay Lohan has been released from the hospital and is free to nip-slip again. [IOL]

· Nick Lachey may have cheated on his captivatingly stupid wife, Jessica Simpson, with a porn star at a bachelor party in Los Angeles. Finally, the man makes a wise decision. [Page Six]
· Celebrity designer Andre Van Pier wants Laura Bush to wear his $295,000 ensemble if she and hubby get to attend January's inaugural ball. It could be a frightening break from Laura's J. Jill look. [Lowdown]
· Fairchild publications' fashion editors have been forbidden to accept any holiday SWAG—Conde Nasties, however, can take the freebies all they want. Keep that in mind when you read the Vogue December shopping guides. [R&M]
· Tom Cruise is slated to cohost the Nobel Peace Prize concert with Oprah Winfrey. Is no venue safe from the claws of Scientology? [Scoop]

A lovely reader sends us this picture of Manhattan-invaders Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie walking (unassisted!) for the Simple Life cameras while clutching matching candy-coated dogs. Happy Halloween.

· Supermodel Maggie Rizer's stepfather has gambled away $7 million of her money. How sad; her pretty girl fortune has been reduced by a fraction. [Page Six]
· Paris Hilton received a reported $10 million to lend her name to Orlando and Vegas' new Club Paris nightspots. Because she was really strapped for cash, you know. [R&M]
· The gay dog groomer saga continues with a new, nose-biting twist! [Page Six]
· Yet another reason to stop reading books: Siegfried and Roy are shopping around their memoir. [Scoop]
· Fah-bulous photog Dave LaChappelle hates hotelier Vikram Chatwal for dropping his name in reference to Chatwal's Dream hotel, which La Chappelle was originally going to help design. [Page Six]

Saturday is officially the Best Day Ever In The History Of New York. Why? Obviously because that's when our patron anorexic cokehead twin, Mary-Kate Olsen, returns to our open arms and gets back to doing whatever it is she does here. Skipping classes and not eating, we think. Whatever, we're just SO HAPPY TO HAVE HER BACK.
Mary-Kate Reports For Class [USA Today]

· All men should exorcise their demons before getting married, especially if those demons include an affinity for Vegas gay bars and white speedos. Just follow the lead of Star Jones' fiancee Al Reynolds. [Page Six]
· Ashlee Simpson blames her need to lip-sync on acid reflux. Get this girl some Prilosec, stat. [NYDN]
· Okay, now Paris Hilton is sucking face with tennis hottie Andy Roddick. Is she trying to fuck everyone in the Australian open before the tourney even starts? Meanwhile, newly-seperated sister Nicky is doing Entourage star Kevin Connolly. Seems like anyone's got a fair shot these days. [Page Six]
· Lindsay Lohan: still alive. [R&M]

We're pleased to announce that Saturday Night Live's Ashlee Simpson catastrophe has merited its own -gate, resulting in the much-deserved moniker Ashleegate:

· Oh, look, someone in Hollywood hates a Times writer. Actor Gael Garcia Bernal gets pissy on Lynn Hirschberg for saying he "clashed" with Bad Education director Pedro Almodovar. [Page Six]
· Paris Hilton is now fucking Australian tennis player Mark Philippoussis, much to his girlfriend's dismay. [NYDN]
· Meanwhile, everyone should look forward to Nicole Richie's advice book, which should have helpful hints on evading the cops when you're carrying kilos of the good stuff. [Lowdown]
· Monica Lewinsky is dating Tracks managing editor Perry van der Meer. Yep, saw that one coming. [ELK]
· Halloween at the Brooklyn Children's Museum will have a Michael Jackson's Thriller theme. You're not supposed to genuinely scare kids on Halloween, jackasses. [Page Six]
· Last, but certainly not least: R&B star Usher's sex tape is being hawked on the black market. Isn't about time someone sold a super-DVD with all the compiled celebrity porn footage? [R&M]

TRL-fabricated, burgeoning pop star Ashlee Simpson basically got busted for lip syncing on Saturday Night Live this weekend (and then blamed her band, as if they were playing their instruments to begin with). Seriously, though, not a single one of you are surprised to discover her musical cred is less than authentic. So let's EMBRACE Ashlee for coming out of the talentless closet. She's finally being honest with her "fans," and we commend her for that.

· So many overpriced, rapper-sponsored liquors, so little time. Jay-Z plans on launching a cognac with Grey Goose to compete with partner(?) Damon Dash's Armandale vodka to Cam'ron's new Sizzurp cognac. Um, we'll keep on drinking Mohawk, thanks. [Page Six]
· Reality producer Mark Burnett has closed a deal for an "Apprentice-like" reality show with Martha Stewart. Contestants will beat gardeners and berate assistants in order to win Martha's approval. [Lowdown (3rd item)]
· Country star Wynonna Judd may be boycotted by conservative Christian groups if she performs on a lesbian cruise ship. More interestingly, Page Six erroneously identifies Wynonna as actress Ashley Judd's mother. Too bad Wynonna is her sister. [Page Six]
· Wisdom from actor Jack Nicholson in an upcoming biography that manages to catalogue his extensive sexual conquests: "It's the other woman I would never lie to. You only lie to two people in your life: your girlfriend and the police. Everybody else you tell the truth to." [R&M]

Our patron disaster-twin Mary-Kate Olsen has indefinitely taken to the wilds of her native Los Angeles — and US Weekly reports that our little girl isn't doing so well in her struggle against skeletosis. Now we've come across this disturbing image, in which MK's wrist seems to be cut in the fashion typical of many other despairing NYU students. Someone please help her; all we want is for Mary-Kate to return to New York so we can watch her downward spiral up close and personal.
UPDATE: Alright, sensitivity parade, if I honestly thought that was a cut on her wrist and not her skinny-ass vein popping out, I wouldn't have made a butter knife reference. I'm not completely insensitive to severe emotional problems. Just ask my shrink.
[Image via AllStarz]

· Did O'Reilly accuser Andrea Mackris return to Fox from CNN to ensnare O'Reilly in the current sexual harassment suit? Or did she go back just for the hot phone sex? [Page Six]
· A cinematic apocalypse may be in the works: Paris Hilton may be playing the nemesis of Lindsay Lohan's character in the upcoming Fashionistas. It must be nice when you can get your mom to secure roles for you. [Lowdown]
· Sharon Osbourne has installed urinals in their UK home because husband Ozzy's aim is so bad that the toilet seats are covered in piss. Yum. [Page Six]
· Rapper Jay-Z isn't speaking to felonious tourmate R. Kelly, apparently disapproving of Kelly's alleged involvement in child pornography. Hova keeps his hos legal, apparently. [R&M]
· A geneaology company has discovered that Madonna and Celine Dion are actually related. Celine's people were reportedly "horrified." We think it should be the other way around. [Scoop (2nd item)]

Courtney Love graced a Manhattan court with her crackwhorish presence yesterday in order to plead guilty to disorderly conduct, a charge stemming from a March incident in which she gracefully chucked a microphone stand into the crowd at Plaid. While refusing to stand in the security line, she speaks the truth:

We might be sports-retarded, but we certainly know and pay attention when there's a major NYC sociodrama involving tight white pants. So, yes, we watched the game. Or tried to, anyhow, because IT WAS BORING! We didn't even have fun getting drunk. Then there was something about the Yankees blowing a big series lead...we don't even know what happened. What we do know is that watching that shit was worse than bad sex, but just as disappointing.