· Three prisoners at Camp Cupcake, the cushy prison Martha Stewart is calling home, have been disciplined for talking to the press. Meanwhile, Martha has been reduced to borrowing makeup from other inmates and we suspect the mascara was a shameful, drugstore brand. [Page Six]
· Ron Perelman's fight to keep neighborhood cafe Le Bilboquet from opening a sidewalk cafe on his precious block is over, as the city has approved the bistro's plans. Aw, poor gazillionaire Ron. [R&M (2nd item)]
· Investigative journalism gets serious with 20/20's John Stossel, who will be doing a piece on whether or not gaydar actually exists. In Stossel's case, we're going to say yes. [Page Six]
· Mary-Kate Olsen still hasn't returned to New York, although her reps insist she's not having a relapse. That term implies that she had been rehabilitated in the first place, of course. [Lowdown]

Do not stare directly at the image at right; the face of notorious society beast Jocelyn Wildenstein may cause epileptic seizures. Yes, our favorite example of plastic surgery gone sinfully, abhorrently wrong has re-emerged with a few new nips and tucks. Doesn't she look lovely? Banterist offers some advice to Wildenstein for her 50 billionth post-op experience:

· Young, masochistic men, here's your chance: Courtney Love is cleaning up her act and wants to date a younger man between 18-30. [Page Six]
· Did Bill O'Reilly engage in phone sex to cool off after an interview with Vivid Entertainment stars Savanna Samson and Sunrise Adams? Do we care? [R&M]
· SNL alum Tracy Morgan performed at Suede with a crawling and barfing routine that had patrons howling. [Page Six]
· Can someone score us an invite to Demi Moore's rumored Kabbalah book party? We promise to behave, kinda. [Scoop (2nd item)]

We had heard rumors and innuendo, but we're getting the confirmation we so desperately needed: our beloved, beleagured, marching-powder aficionado Mary-Kate Olsen has left NYU and returned to Los Angeles for a little R-and-R (rest and, um, rehab?). While personal guard dog Michael Pagnotta denies that Mary-Kate has fully dropped out, sources close to the rodent twin claim her return to Los Angeles is indefinite.

It's a little late-breaking, but due to popular demand, we'll address the issue of Britney Spears' Letter of Truth. Britney, Britney, Britney. You prattle on about how hard you're working on a letter to your fans to explain why, exactly, you've gone retarded, but what do we get?

· New Yorker writer and author of The Tipping Point Malcolm Gladwell was totally hot the other night...when his 'fro caught on fire. Witnesses were horrified by the smell of burning LA Looks hairgel. [Page Six]
· Want to be actress Angelina Jolie's one and only? Tie her up. It's that simple. [R&M]
· Nicky Hilton's annulment would've happened immediately after her wedding to Todd Meister, were it not for those high Hilton morals. [ELK]
· Donald Trump admits that he barely knows daughter Ivanka's longtime beau, Bingo Gubelmann, nor does he have an outward problem with the fact that the man is named after a parlor game. [Lowdown]

Stuff magazine, that one and only overtly-masculine publication dripping with images of scantily-clad women, features a real gem this month: an interview with Nicky Hilton, the newly-single socialite heiress who doesn't use the N-word. After the jump, Nicky gives us some cherished insight into her speedy nuptials with Todd Meister ("I'm an idiot") and reveals that, none too surprisingly, wicked sister Paris is to blame.

· If you're Nicky Hilton and you're separating from your improvisational husband, Todd Meister, how do you recover? By going to Vegas with racist sister Paris, Nicole Richie, Tara Reid and Bijou Philips. Someone is so going to be in jail by the end of the weekend. [Page Six]
· Oh, the horror: Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg has been spotted wearing the same suit three times in the past week. [R&M]
· Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham admits to using her brain "for the first time in a long time." What merits the intellectual strain? Designing her own jeans, of course. [Page Six]
· Jon Stewart alludes to the obvious: CNN host Robert Novak has no soul. [Lowdown]

· Newly-single Kirsten Dunst has been spotted slumming with Paris Hilton's ex and amateur porn director Rick Salomon. So not good, but expect a videotape in 8-12 months. [Page Six]
· Squirrelish Olsen twins ask an interior designer to find and install "skinny mirrors" in their Morton Square condo; these warped contraptions will help the Olsens radiate the twiglike confidence they need. [Lowdown (3rd item)]
· Oil scion Brandon Davis, better known as Mischa Barton's boyfriend, comes forward to the National Enquirer to attest Paris Hilton's frequent fondness for racial epithets. God, we cannot wait to see Hilton drop the N-bomb on tape. [Page Six]
· Let it roll off your tongue: Britney Federline. Doesn't that sound nice? [R&M (4th item)]

US Weekly reports that Nicky Hilton and impromptu husband Todd Meister are working towards an annulment. Oh, Nicky, say it isn't so! We are hunting down Meister right now and dragging him to Los Angeles with us, where we'll sit him down with Nicky and make them work it out. There's no way we're letting these lovebirds throw away the past two months of memories.
Hilton Marriage: Already On Rocks? [USA Today]

· Prince has hired Whale Rider star and Oscar nominee Keisha Castle-Hughes for his next video, in which she'll play an Arab-American girl who blows herself up in an airport. Not to prey on your fears or anything. [Page Six]
· Michael Jackson is "hurt" that he's portrayed as a child molester in Eminem's latest video. Maybe R. Kelly can sympathize, but we certainly won't. [R&M]
· Has Tom Cruise split with longtime producing partner Paula Wagner? And, if so, does he plan on hiring his sister for that gig too? [Page Six]
· OMG, did you hear that some gossip website totally crashed yesterday? I heard they didn't pay the bills or something. Or maybe they were held hostage by Lloyd Grove. [Lowdown (2nd item)]

In a fit of unexplained hunger, our dark overlord gobbled up the rodents that keep our tech-cave running and service has been spotty. As an unfortunate result, I haven't had a chance to address the Chloe Sevigny As Morrissey Stalker issue. But, in brief: after trailing the depressing singer up and down the East coast, she was indeed at this weekend's Radio City show, where she looked "orgasmic" and sported the traditional overalls that we've come to know and love her for. Afterwards, Chloe was spotted at LES hipster hell Max Fish, where we hear she danced and spoke in tongues whenever the DJ played Moz.

· No matter what, you will never be as important as Times film critic Stephen Holden. His schedule at the NY Film Festival cut a critics' screening of Eulogy short (they didn't even get to finish the film) so he could catch Shall We Dance. Sarcasm aside, that's kinda bullshit. [Lowdown]
· Daily Kimora Lee Simmons update: her black cat, Max, has passed away at 21. Max was best known as the model for Kimora's Baby Phat logo and, in her old age, pissing all over Kimora's luxury rugs. [Page Six]
· While dining at Da Silvano, Mary-Kate Olsen screams at some young fans to "get away" from her. We're not sure if she didn't want people watching her eat or if she was just a little, um, edgy. [R&M]
· In actress Tatum O'Neal's new tell-all autobiography, she claims Melanie Griffith dragged her the then 12 year-old actress to an orgy. But when isn't Griffith doing that sort of thing? [NYDN]

It's such old hat, reputable UK publication News Of The World doesn't even give it top billing: there's rumored to be another damn sex tape from debuwhore Paris Hilton, one in which she plays switch-hitter and services multiple parties (always a charitable lass, that Paris). Of course, we can't verify whether or not this golden nugget truly exists, but rumblings of the 12-hour N-Word Masterpiece turned out to be true, so...we're keeping our fingers crossed. The tape is reportedly being hawked by a "three man consortium" for five figures and, for the record, this consortium does not include Rick Solomon or Nick Carter. What a refreshing change of pace.
It's Paris The Porn Movie [News Of The World (2nd item)]
Monday Morning After [Fleshbot]

· Why is P. Diddy's ex-wife, Misa Hylton-Brim, getting $35k a month in child support if she was just hired as a stylist for Kimora Lee Simmons for $150k a year? Oh, because she's a gold-digger. [Page Six]
· When brunette socialite Nicky Hilton jumps on a Bungalow 8 banquette with Nicole Richie for some requisite dancing, what does her husband Todd Meister do? He climbs up there and joins them. The mental picture is so not pretty. [Lowdown (3rd item)]
· Star Jones' persistent plugging of her wedding vendors have resulted in an ABC-imposed muzzle on the View host. It's a shame they can't muzzle her on topics beyond that of her nuptials. [Page Six]
· Scrubs star Zach Braff isn't dating Natalie Portman; he's been linked to Mandy Moore. Thank God someone's keeping abreast of these starlet-hopping developments. [ELK]

Um, can someone please explain what the fuck Monica Lewinsky was doing at a party for band Wilco's new book and, more importantly, why she arrived at said party with former Harper's Bazaar managing editor and current Tracks managing editor Perry van der Meer? Did the world just explode or something?
The Renaissance Band [Gothamist]

We suspect that Chloe Sevigny, hipster actress with a penchant for bad, deconstructed "fashion," may have left acting in lieu of pursuing her dream of following modern rock legend Morrissey on tour. She's been spotted at TWO Moz shows in just ONE WEEK, leading us to believe that Sevigny has completely succumbed to her deluded fangirl longings and is now trailing Morrissey's tour bus by bicycle. After the jump, two reader sightings of Chloe at Morrissey shows in Boston and Asbury Park; do keep an eye out for her at this weekend's shows at Radio City and promptly report back to us.
UPDATE: She was spotted stalking Morrissey in Philadelphia, as well. The plot thickens.

· The Olsens aren't just eating, they're eating at Cafe Habana and devouring high-cal treats at Serendipity 3. Even more disturbing? Mary-Kate has replaced cocaine with evil cigarettes. She's soo headed for trouble. [Page Six]
· Martha Stewart reportedly gets permission to enter prison hours earlier than expected, in order to avoid the press and get on with her future in bull-dykery. [NYDN]
· Five months from now, Martha could have her own reality show, in which rapper Old Dirty Bastard may give her tips on handling life after prison. This is potentially awesome. [Lowdown (3rd item)]
· Nicole Richie has agreed to a third season of The Simple Life, despite reports that she and skanky costar Paris Hilton haven't been getting along. Fox is looking to set the next episodes in the challenging wilds of our very city. [R&M (3rd item)]
· Billyburg restaurant Bliss has giant painting of Donald Trump in the nude on display. Remarkably, there have been no reports of projectile vomiting. [Page Six]

The celebrity-marketing apocalypse has reached a frenzied level of shittiness, as this week marks the launch of Jessica Simpson's lickable body fragrances. Oh, and they're low-calorie, thank God! We wouldn't want our obsessive self-licking to get interfere with our South Beach diet, now would we? AdRants notes:

· Dr. Arnie Klein, the defendant in Irina Medavoy's The Case Of Too Much Botox, was so nervous during closing arguments that he lost control of his bladder and wet himself in the courtroom. So awesome. [Page Six]
· Britney Spears ditches longtime manager Larry Rudolph. She's currently without representation—a very dangerous situation, indeed. [NYDN]
· If the blackened heart of model Naomi Campbell is capable of love, its energies have been completely devoted to R&B star Usher. She's booked the Rainbow Room and Lenny Kravitz to perform at his 26th birthday party. [Page Six]
· Seventeen editor Atoosa Rubenstein decides that perhaps it might be inappropriate of gossipers to obsess about teen celebrities' breasts and the like. That mag is so dead to us now. [Page Six]