—Sure. this court document is old, but it's been making the rounds again. And we find it's very difficult to get bored of a story about Jack Nicholson refusing to pay a hooker.
—Paris Hilton's mystery bruises disappear mysteriously at Wed. night's T-Mobile party. Is this the power of make-up or mutant celebutante healing powers at work?
—Extreme Celebrity Narcissism Watch: Catherine Zeta Jones dresses her baby in her old clothes, apparently trying to clone herself. They'd dress the kid in Michael's hand-me-downs, but they were making clothes out of wood back then, and that tends to chafe infant skin.
—Colin Farrell probably wants nothing to do with Angelina Jolie so soon after Val Kilmer's been there.
—And we want to take a second to give LAist editor Tom Berman a chest-bump, a high-five, or whatever is the preferred gesture for saying goodbye. He's off to pursue "an opportunity in the political realm." We just hope they dust the guy for fingerprints once the pols have their way with him so the appropriate parties can be dealt with after the fact.

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—Of course, we're only figuratively accusing Halle Berry of smoking crack. You, however, should feel free to draw your own conclusions.
—You're in luck! There's now a way to show your support for a post-Paris-Hilton-era Nick Carter, and it's online. Please, we beg of you—sign the petition rather than get Nick's name tattooed on your ass. That's played. [via WOW Report]
—Collagen is the new Photoshop, at least in Keira Knightley's case.
—An LA.comfidential blogger goes to a party at The Grove, complete with celebrities and a Black Eyed Peas show, and has no idea what it's for.
—We imagine that arriving on a raft or running across the border is more fun, but now you can try to acquire a green card on reality TV.

—That huge H2 of yours might be useful for running over struggling actors waiting in the valet line at The Standard, but it's probably illegal for you to drive it in your neighborhood.
—Always reliable WENN reports reshoots on the new/last Star Wars movie. We're guessing that in the first round of shooting the dialogue didn't come out quite stilted enough and Lucas mistakenly put the camera in the right place once or twice.
— Jack Valenti rolls over in his grave: TiVo gets approval for users to share recorded programs over the internet. Valenti's not dead? Check again when he hears how the pirates have won!
—America is fresh out of women trying to get married on television, so ABC recycles one they've already broken.
—What's in Paris Hilton's gadget bag? No, it doesn't fit in a pill bottle.

We're really concerned for Fabian Basabe, whose precious "it" status may be in jeopardy. After several instances of public gallivanting with first daughter Barbara Bush and subsequent rumors of his banishment from White House functions, we're wondering if there's a conspiracy to keep Fabian below the "it" radar. Please? From a reader, a disturbing new development in the oppression of the Fabian:

A reader "studying" in Prague saw our posts on Elijah Wood's exploits in the city (where he's shooting Everything Is Illuminated) and sends in this update on the delightfully petite actor's hijinks in Czech pubs:

Jayson Littman, the dude who got a lot of ink for hugging everyone in Washington Square Park on Sundays is up to more sitcom-quality wackiness. For the last month, Jayson has been panhandling the subways for a job, passing out 700 resumes and garnering five interviews — and he's even turned down a few jobs that weren't good enough for him.

—Perhaps inspired by a certain breathtaking billboard depicting a certain sexual act, Roger Ebert and Vincent Gallo have buried the hatchet over The Brown Bunny.
—Two Page Six items updating running Defamer items: 1) Colin Farrell's cock probably isn't big enough to cause any heart attacks and 2) American Media rags Star and Enquirer succumb to lawyer and publicist evil, and stop pushing "Mary-Kate was rehabbing for coke" story.
—It is not OK to laugh: Girl testifies Disney's Tigger molested her. After yesterday's Neverland Ranch accident, is nowhere safe for American's children?
—Separated at birth: Twist-obsessed fauxteur M. Night Shyamalan and Queer Eye's useless Jai Rodriguez? We think Night kind of looks more like Mr. Bean, but that's just us.
—It's amazing when someone shows even less restraint than we do, but here you go.
—And: Britney tries to buy off the step-kids. There, that should fix everything and the children will certainly grow up well-adjusted.

LA. where reality TV contestants blast off Peter Brady's tattoo with a laser while Chandler's creepy roommate sits in the waiting room. We could just shrug our shoulders, but it's probably not going to even make our top 5 of head-scratching, "Are we on mushrooms?" shit we've heard this week. And getting that tatt burned off really isn't going to help Adam Goldberg's hipster cred, is it?

· MATT DRUDGE!!! announces that former tennis star John McEnroe's CNBC show pulled a 0.0 rating last night with 37,000 households tuning in — if ol' McEnroe really did get paid a million bucks, maths The Drudge, it's the equivalent of NBC paying each household 27 bucks.
· 300 kilos of cocaine get stopped on its way to our beloved city. Aww, suckass. [The Officer]
· "Fatties of the US Fight Back!" [The Australian]
· Anti-Fox News documentary "Outfoxed" earns a cinematic release, but you can be sure that Rupert Murdoch's 20th Century Fox Films won't be handling the distribution. [BBC]
· Gossip is losing its hold as a "media staple"! What are you doing here, then? [AdAge (reg. req'd)]

· Now that she's decided not to press charges against allegedly-battering ex-boy toy Nick Carter, Paris can go back to what she does best: clam-flashing and line-skipping in the Hamptons. [Page Six]
· Meanwhile, Nick Carter hides in his car and sobs when asked about the incident. No wonder she dumped him. [IMDB]
· Uber-rich first-lady wannabe Teresa Heinz Kerry haggles over the cost of her $90 manicures. [NYDN]
· Colin Farrell's cock: well, maybe it's not that big. [Page Six]

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our readers. Send yours to tips@defamer and tell you-know-who that he could probably stand to hit the gym once in a while—and when he does, you'll tell us all about it.

Sightings are provided by readers; send yours to tips@gawker.com.

—Dumb, young celebrities getting matching tattoos never ends badly. Never. Nick got "Paris," and they don't know what Paris got. A target?
—Remember those pics of "Frodo gone wild" in Prague? It turns out that the Czech Republic isn't quite the Disneyland we all thought it was, where a striped-shirted Hobbit could party his face off without repercussions.
—Zach Braff has a blog for Garden State. Here's to hoping he doesn't become the first blogger to get laid, but we're probably too late. Everyone's saying he's broken the blogging celibacy streak with Natalie Portman.
—LasagnaFarm continues its one-handed tallying of the sex acts of Six Feet Under.
—After avoiding the Neverland Ranch's perilous Black-Van-Go-Round and the Magical Bed of Handsy Sleepovers, a 15-year-old boy hurts himself when his ATV flips over.
—All-purpose LA malcontent Richard Rushfield changes the name of his blog once again (this time, to "Don Ricardo's Casa de Media"), then bends the latest issue of GQ over the magazine rack for the glossy buggering it so richly deserves.

· Vincent Gallo personally drives in a copy of "Brown Bunny" for a select Detroit audience; proceeds to give three-hour chat afterwards about scoring prescription drugs for Winona Ryder and how national health care plans are evil. In the process, he Stockholm-Syndromes the local hipsters of D-town. [Whatevs]
· The stalking stops momentarily: Tara Reid has taken her fake breasts to St. Tropez. God, we're so newly re-obsessed with T-Reid. [BJJ]
· Boston didn't really enjoying hosting Cindy Adams either. [Boston.com]
· NYT ombudsman Daniel Okrent's 'Liberal New York Times' piece continues to get doused in haterade. [NYT]

UPDATE: Everything is back to normal with the e-mail. You can all go back to using tips@defamer.com, pretending that your marriage is just going through a "bumpy period," and that that rash will go away on its own. Thanks for bearing with us!

· Vincent Gallo has erected (heh) a giant billboard over Los Angeles' Sunset Boulevard. The image: Chloe Sevigny going down on the director in his upcoming film, "Brown Bunny." The citizens of the West Coast continue to suffer for our sins. [NYDN]
· Samantha Ronson, professional hanger-on, pseudo-DJ, and sister of real-DJ Charlotte Ronson, will fight Bloomberg's anti-ice cream truck campaign by driving one herself to promote Charlotte's new clothing line. Question: Why Ronsons? Why? How do they happen? Where do they grow? [Page Six]
· Bill Clinton has reportedly been offered a guest host spot on "Saturday Night Live." The former prez hasn't made a decision yet, but cigar-oriented insurance riders are being composed this very moment. [AP]
· Are "Garden State" stars Zach Braff and Natalie Portman more than friends? The two have been canoodling all over town. Delightful publicist denials forthcoming! [NYDN]

—Why is Colin Farrell such a grumpy Gus?
—Which turns Christian Slater on more: London strip clubs or getting lap dances while wearing a Nixon mask? [via BWE]
—Guess we missed this in the morning: Producer/billionaire/Liz Hurley impregnator Stephen Bing's got a buddy who's a mob hitman. Fuss is being made because Bing donates gobs of cash to the Kerry campaign. Hey, we didn't see nothin'. Get it? We're afraid he'll kill us.
—Extremely disgruntled assistant tries to eBay the boss's baby clothes.

The Defamer correspondent on Rabble-Rousing, Slovenly Directors Dining Out in Hollywood checks in with this brief report starring everyone's favorite man of the people, Michael Moore: