Today we have a politician affair, a gropey hippie, a dissed starlet, a sad boy bander, a secret gay, and an actress with no shame.

Today we have a celebrity with a terrible pickup line, an actress whose boyfriend thinks they're dating but she says they're really not, and a reality star who had sex parties in high school.

Today we have a guy having problems with a transsexual, a bulimic actress, a smoking actor, an obsessive comedian, and a perfume-hoarding actress.

Today we have a mean comedian, a spliff-smoking musician, an actor who was having some scary hallucinations, and an action star on Viagra.

Today we have an unwitting star of a sex tape, a rocker and/or roller who threatened someone with a right bottling, a guy who's just a gigolo, and a terrible cocaine story involving children.

Today we have a rock star who has drug parties, a sad old model, and two Oscar after party events: one racist, the other sort of funny.

As David Carr's enjoyable New York Times awards column, The Carpetbagger, winds down for the season, he leaves us with two unanswered blind items. Who are the 20-year-old-eating showbiz mogul and the benevolent-turned-slightly-wicked producer?

Today we have several stories from the Oscars, tales of bitchery and druggery and asshole actor behavior. We also have a terrible misogynist, an aviation exec gone bad, and a plastic surgery.

Today we have an Oscar honoree stepping out on his wife, a diva being a diva, coked-out actresses and reality stars, and some bitchy B-lister saying mean things at fashions shows.

Today we have a "too white" TV personality, a drugged out actress, a nice rock and/or roller, an actress desperate to lose weight, and a nasty divorcing couple.

Today we have a TV actor with a violent streak, a celebrity into "magic" things (drugs!), an actress begging and panhandling outside Fashion Week, and a secret marriage.

Today we have a dirty Berlin casting couch, a fashionista with a cocaine rider in her contract, a rockstar's public threesome, a wicked family secret, and two actors who did it... to each other!!!

Today we have a comedian who's into the butt stuff, an It Girl who's purging in restaurant bathrooms, and a quirky actress who is secretly dealing with a drug problem.

Today we have several crumbling relationships. A chef stepping out on his wife A wife cheating on her husband. And a power couple about to get divorced. And so soon after Valentine's Day.

Today we have a hair-losing celebrity, a mean ol' drunk, a bumbling singer, a secret Whopper-eating vegetarian, and an actress blackmailed with a drugs tape.

Today in shockingly vague celebrity gossip: a "disturbed loser" with a kinky ex, a divorcing TV actress, a singer who enjoys sex, and an actress who wants publicity. Get right out of town!

Today we have sad old actors and check bouncers. And also everyone is on cocaine. Absolutely everyone everywhere. Well done, everybody.

Today we have a deflowered starlet, a druggie actress, a prophetic actor, and a hair-dyeing diva.

Today we have a cheater from Oz, an old lady giving young boys anal sex stimulants, a royal and a foreign actress, and a gay TV star.

Lord knows that NBC head Ben Silverman hardly needs another reason to fire another VP, but at least this one's creative: someone's hiring hookers on the corporate card!